if I’m ever feeling lonely and I need someone to talk to me, I just announce to my spouse or kids that I’m about to take a nap
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Teens be like, “This is the worst day of my life” and it’s just they were told to unload the dishwasher.
Friend: oh my god there’s two of you
My evil clone: I’m the real one, I swear
Me: [remembering I promised I’d go out and socialise tonight] yea she’s right
I got fired today
“what? why?”
no idea
“you have no idea?”
nope
“I’m confused when did this happen?”
between pre break break and break
Welcome to Cupcake Yoga! NomNomaste.
[movie casting]
ME: I’m here for the stuntman job
“Do you have any experience?”
ME: No, but I took a…
“Please don’t”
ME: …crash course
We’d been planning on using the $1.3 million from Jeopardy to buy a house, but now I’m thinking maybe I’ll just hold on to it for a year or two and then use it to buy Twitter
“I found a stick… and it comes with a hat!” 😂💛
goldiesglobe
I’ve started picking furniture up off the side of the road, restoring it, and then selling it on Facebook in order to finance my expensive new hobby, which is picking furniture up off the side of the road and then restoring it to sell on Facebook.
i hired way too many actors for my movie about weather. it was overcast, is what im saying
Me: I’m so sick and I can’t taste anything
Disgusting cough syrup: Wanna bet?
My 1yo recently learned how to say “Hiiiii!” Except she pronounces it with a “D.” So every morning when I get her up the first thing she says to me in her sweet little voice: “Dieeeeee.”
1) Go to Starbucks
2) Order coffee
3) Say your name is Waldo
4) Leave
Kids: Stay in school.
Amazon thinks my recent humidifier purchase was merely the inaugural move in a newfound hobby of humidifier collecting.
Why — WHY — in the year 2021 is there not a button on every TV that pings the remote and makes it play a sound so you can find it??
I go trick or treating dressed as a postman early in the morning and do the postman’s exact route one house ahead so no one trusts him.
Just once, I’d like to sleep as deeply as a cartoon sheriff whose keys are dangling seductively from his belt.
Sorry my diet made me slap the oreo out of your toddler’s hand and scream “NOT TODAY SATAN!”
If you ever get drugged by someone and they steal an organ, just check Craigslist.
That’s probably where I’m selling it at.
If I lived in a small town where no one locked their doors I’d have an alligator moat
Tonite on House Hunters: Jill wants 4 bedrooms, granite countertops and a home spa. Bob wants to be stabbed in the driveway.
Escape rooms are a fun way to discover you’re the dumbest in your friend group
There are three types of people:
1. Annoying people
2. Annoying people I am sleeping with
3. People I haven’t met
Fact: If you blast hiphop at a shallot, it becomes a rapscallion.
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
King: The son of God will be born! We need 4 wise men to shop for gifts!
“I’ll get gold”
“Frankincense”
“I’ll get myrrh”
Me: Can babies vape?
King: Actually 3 wise men is fine
I took my cat to the vet in my gardening clothes.
The vet looked me over.
He must’ve decided I looked like a flood victim because he gave me 5 days of meds free.
#MeanwhileInCanada
[VIDEO] John Oliver Agrees With You For 22 Minutes
[David Attenborough watching me pour syrup on my waffles before I put them in the toaster] Turn the camera off this man needs help