That de-escalated quickly
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I just want to meet a man the old fashioned way: While being exchanged for livestock.
“How much to hire a church singing group?”
“You mean a choir?”
“Fine, how much to acquire a church singing group?”
Shout out to the KFC drive-thru attendant who offered me “enough ranch to drown a small child”
When the atm charges you 3.50 to take out your own money but tells you to cover your pin so you don’t get robbed
ME: I will now pull a rabbit out of my cat
MAGICIAN TEACHER: omg what have you done
Anyone really
If white men can’t jump, how do you explain Super Mario?
Is it considered rude to ask your boss if it hurt when the house fell on her in The Wizard of Oz?
My spirit animal is a fat raccoon struggling to get into a dumpster
Your car will never make that noise for the mechanic. Your car is like “That’s our special noise. I only make that noise for you.”
Husband, opening our kitchen drawer while asking, “Do we know where the scissors have disappeared?” Looks around and promptly closes the drawer.
Me, opening the same kitchen drawer without looking in, hands him the scissors.
The next time kids ding door ditch you you have to run and chase after them and yell WHAT IF IM A CRAZY PERSON!!
[at hairstylist]
Make me look like I’m running really fast.
Get your hero name by doing something brave and seeing what the newspapers call you.
I’m Local Man.
Interviewer: congrats you got the security guard job
Me: *already asleep on a folding chair*
Interviewer: hang on u don’t start til monday
People who call it duck tape must be smoking quack.
Him: no one will steal your identity that way
Me [disposing of old underwear by cutting it into strips like a credit card over a trashcan]: you don’t know that
Mispronouncing French phrases can be a real social fox piss.
[first day as a dentist] *encounters tongue* huh. this isn’t teeth
me looking at kristen stewart pics: i should get a mullet. it will definitely look as good on me and not like a small animal died on my weird head
” I need you ”
– Me in the toilet roll aisle
Me: *lighting candles* don’t mind me, just setting the mood
Her: *backs out of elevator before doors close*
Jesus loves me. This I know.
For my neighbor told me so.
Jesus is a Puerto Rican that lives two doors down.
I’m flattered…but straight.
There is nothing sadder than waking and turning to see the love of your life’s face to find she has deflated in the night.
[playing poker]
“I’m all in”
*slowly pushes a half-eaten burrito and a cat to middle of the table*
No thanks, Genie. I’m not falling for the old “rub the magic lamp” trick again.
Due to inflation my love will now be costing a thing
Interviewer: Tell me your convictions
Me: Arson, 5 years. I burnt down my office
Interviewer: I mean like ‘firm beliefs’
Me: Company loyalty
Ran into the librarian I’ve been trying to impress in the Target book section and awkwardly blurted out “I’m just here to buy a TV,” which was way worse of course.
wife: you can’t wear those to a funeral.
me: you’re right…*takes off hulk hands*
wife: that’s better.
me: *puts on formal hulk hands*