“heyyyy you’re on speaker” is code for “please don’t say anything bad about the people i’m with”
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There are two wolves inside you
webmd: wolf cancer
Why are sloths one of the 7 deadly sins? Those little guys don’t hurt anybody. They just chill all day.
God: this animal is called a woodchuck
Angel: because it can ch-
God: lmao no
Just got hospitalized due to a peekaboo
accident.They put me in the ICU.
[preparing for a date]
me: what if she kisses me
roommate: you kiss her back, bro
me: ok
me: *thinking* but why her back though
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target last night and, long story short I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
Autocorrect changed honey to homey.
Now, instead of going out to a romantic dinner we will be doing a drive-by.
The first Roman soldier to be paid in salt: “Seems legit”
me: siri, clear my evening appointments, i’ve got a date tonight.
siri: “lol yeah ok. beep boop beep. gotcha.”
Wrapped gifts: boring, predictable
Burying the gifts around the yard: creative, perplexing
When our friends got married in Thailand, my girlfriend was so sure we were invited she booked flights and hotel. Turned out it was immediate family only, so we spent 4 days hiding from them on the resort until they left, and to my knowledge they still have no idea we were there.
So as far as I can tell, the Metaverse is just Animal Crossing but you’re being hunted by Mark Zuckerberg.
THEM: You can’t go wrong with this recipe.
ME: Watch me.
kitchen magnet
it amazes me that people still say they want a “fairy-tale marriage” when most fairy-tale marriages end with the lady getting angry and returning to the sea from whence she came.
All of these people are screaming like they’ve never seen someone revving a chainsaw on a public beach.
Frodo: Holy crap, I’ve never seen anyone fight like that! How did you get so good?
Legolas: (thinking back to when Santa wouldn’t pay for his health care) … Dragons.
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
@Book_Krazy @funTweeters 🙂
Me: what is my final challenge
*dragon appears*
Me: oh no
Dragon: spell necessary
Me: OH NO
You can keep your romantic gestures like holding a boom box over your head or boiling a bunny. Real romance is your husband coming home with family size bags of Skittles and Twizzlers.
(Puckers up & makes best kissy face)
Officer taking mugshot: Stop that.
Shout out to all the dormant volcanoes out there, just chillin’, keepin’ that magma to themselves and whatnot.
It’s so sad when you have to tell the person you love that you’ve already seen the post they’re showing you
As my mom finishes up cutting up my steak for me, I can’t help but notice that my date looks upset.
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me: yo lemme get somma those THYIICC fries
kfc: you mean potato wedges?
me: yes potato wedges please
When I first started dating my wife she asked me what some of my dreams were. I told her one was about a T-Rex who didn’t get a job because he couldn’t tie a tie.
She meant goals
A candle with no wick, is just wax, but a wick with no wax, is just string.
What else… ummm… no, I guess that concludes my TED Talk.