People who say “Everything happens for a reason” don’t appreciate the irony when I push them down stairs.
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*puts on Rocky theme music*
*cracks neck*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches*
*jogs in place*
*picks up phone to call mom*
somehow a bad experience with seafood is more powerful than a bad relationship
people will go back to a toxic ex, but never eat scallops again after puking once
March 16
Relationships are minefields. Learn from me. Study. Engage. Other words that sound knowledgeable.
Boss: You’re looking a little scruffy lately, you need a trim.
Me: Sorry, I don’t shave too often because of the razor burn.
(later, shaving)
Razor: LOL you call that a beard? My grandma has more chin hair than that, you suck!
*covers kids eyes*
“Hey Billy, guess who?”
“Dad!”
“Nope”
“I knw its u dad. I know ur voice”
“Its not ur dad”
“Stop jking”
“Ur adopted”
I’m the guy at the gym laying face down on the treadmill telling everyone “I’m ok, I’m ok”
Newborns cry because they’re being evicted
You know who doesn’t sleep like a baby? Babies.
AM I BEING GASLIT????
I keep people from talking to me by picking up leaves off the ground and eating them.
My 3 yr old is so encouraging. I changed my shirt; she says”Daddy, you did it!” If she finds out I use the potty by myself, she’ll flip out.
Renting a uhaul to make my neighbors think I’m moving and then pretending like I never met them when I see them next
*Food arrives*
*Waits 3 days*
*Slowly takes bite of food*
*Waitress appears from under the table in camouflage*
HOW IS EVERYTHING??
Today I ate vegetable lasagna… I don’t wanna talk about it.
Asked my 11 y/o daughter if she was excited to be a teenager now that her older sister is 13 and she said, “No, I’m good. Teenagers always look like they want to murder someone.”
I’m not usually vengeful, but when I am it’s because someone gave my kid a whistle.
Why did the chemist’s pants keep falling down?
Because he had no acetol
Screw it. SCREW EVERYTHING.
– me, 5 minutes after learning how to use a power drill
Best “black friday” deals come when your neighbors leave their windows unlocked.
What base is it when she takes off your clothes, handcuffs you to the bed and her boyfriend comes in and they steal all your things?
You go on cruises when you only want to experience other countries cultures for an hour and still have Budweiser and chicken fingers for dinner
Angry Birds for Olympics: Instead of hitting two birds with one stone, here you can hit two stones with one bird.
Your honor I didn’t teach myself the ukulele for fun I did it to defend myself in court today through song
To tell you the truth, beginning a sentence with “To tell you the truth” throws into question all else you’ve previous said.
GENE SIMMONS: What is it about me that makes people think I’m gross?
“Hygiene”
SIMMONS: Hi. Now answer my question.
…anyway I thought that piece of hair was a spider on my shirt
Me, explaining why I ended up naked in Walmart
I’m just saying honey, if I sound like a cat throwing up hair balls the next day…it may be time to trim things up a bit.
Ya know when you buy a bag of of salad and it gets all brown and crusty…. cookies don’t do that
Someone praising you is also someone being judgmental. The difference is that you like the verdict this time.