ex-girlfriend: why are you here? don’t you have any other place to be?
me pretty sure I left my day planner in her apartment: that’s what I wanna know
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me: babe, i think we’re ready to take this to the next level. here’s a key, i want you to move in
her: it says volvo on it
We thought our son was excited for us to attend Back-to-School night so we could meet his teacher…Turns out, his actual excitement was bc he couldn’t wait to show us the bathroom stall he had carefully chosen…“to do all the pooping in.”
[Me getting cut off in traffic]
GET OFF YOUR PHONE AND WATCH WHERE YOU’RE GOING!
[Notices USMC sticker]
AND THANK YOU FOR YOUR SERVICE!
My 3-year-old gave me a sticker for behaving myself in public. She’s doing a good job of raising her parents.
me: I believe it was Meatloaf who said two out of three ain’t bad
wife: YOU LEFT ONE OF OUR KIDS AT THE GROCERY STORE
i’m so sorry sir, but we here at chase bank don’t accept gun-for-money exchanges. and we need an amount, not just “all the money you got”
[Robbery]
Sloth Man: I’ll use my powers to make the criminals fall asleep.
*Runs to bank*
*Reaches bank 18 hrs later*
SM: How’d they escape?
You’re not a real family unless you all have different names for the same dog.
Do you think about random little things that occurred during your childhood a lot? Like once when I was 6 I saw a man take a bite from the serving spoon of mac n cheese at Golden Corral and have never been to a buffet since.
It’s not the end of the world. But at least it’s a start.
I’m pretty certain the inventor of the ball gag was someone who had just had sex with a loud talker
YOU are cold. They have fur.
Do not let inside.
I’m pregnant, during the holidays, during a never-ending pandemic. The next medical professional who makes me step on the scale better be prepared with some tissues and a sugar free lollipop to cheer me up.
I don’t like calling zombies “the undead”. I think they’d prefer to be known as the nearly departed.
[death row sitcom]
Me [sits down in a chair to eat]: This chicken is raw!
Warden [flicks switch]: That’s about to change
Sign: *APPLAUSE*
[FIRST DATE]
ME (Struggling to make conversation): …tell me about a time you worked well as part of a team.
I was the most experienced baker at a bread factory. A roll model, if you will.
If I had a time machine, I’d go back and make better mistakes.
Adult life is constantly saying to your friends let’s do something soon and suddenly 6 months have gone by
Welcome to fatherhood, the only one calling you daddy now is your kids.
He’s a one eyed optometrist with a cauliflower addiction. She hunts babies for sport. But could a chance Christmas encounter mean a forever love blossoms. Find out this Saturday on The Hallmark Channel.
This is the dumbest apocalypse ever
Watching Mad Men with my girlfriend and trying to distract her every time Don Draper is on screen
Me: *joins a throw pillow of the month club*
Husband: *cries*
In hell u have to go hot tubbing with all the people who show up in the “people you may know” section of facebook
Today I’m offering free root canals. I’ve watched a bunch of YouTube videos and I can do this
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
me: I know we’ve only been together a short time, but I made you a mixed tape
kidnapper: 😳
I’ve never been more afraid of my wife than the time I ate a potato off of her plate.
Wife: Do the dishes
Me: Can’t. Holding the baby
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Can’t. Baby
Wife: Change the baby
Me: Can’t. Doing dishes.