WIFE: Who was at the door?
ME: More carol singers.
HER: What did they sing?
ME: Silent Night
HER: I hope you didn’t t-
ME: I twerked.
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Yesterday my son told me I was the funniest person he knows which was so sweet. Then he asked for twenty dollars.
Just a friendly reminder!
[watching a sex scene with my parents] You guys ever try that?
Out of all the cookies in the world, these HTTP cookies taste the worst.
I think that as a reward for losing 200 lbs you should be able to use all of that loose skin to become a human version of a flying squirrel.
Everyone is always doing laundry
*changes name to laundry
I don’t know why I would want to “Keep Up” with them…
I don’t even know where Kardashia is.
(geography’s not my strong suit)
i’ve been kidnapped and quickly released easily 6 dozen times
I just yelled “WAKE UP,” to which my 4 year old responded “WHYDONTYOUPUTONALITTLEMAKEUP,” so no one question my parenting ever again.
You can tell a lot about a person based on what they use as a gender-neutral singular pronoun.
I’m my own worst enemy which is frustrating because I’d always hoped my worst enemy would have an eye patch.
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
So the US is to send 3000 troops to help combat ebola.
Does anyone else get the feeling they don’t know what ebola is?
[camping]
Him: Did you eat the last s’more?
Me: No.
Him: You’re lying.
Me: How do you know?
Him: Your pants are literally on fire.
Therapist: so next time we feel that rage, we stop, we count down from five, and then we….
Me: …sweep the leg?
Ugh I hate being a celeb my fans are always asking me “when is your next rent check going to drop?” & “when can we expect you to pay us back for covering your rent last month?” It’s like respect my privacy please.
I sure talk a lot of shit for someone who got a stress fracture opening a can of butter beans
What I say:
Please don’t jump on the sofa arm.What they hear:
Kids, this is a pommel horse. Enjoy.
If I unfollow you, it’s because of the new follow button or because I don’t like you. Either way I am blaming the new button.
My mom said if she’d known grandchildren were so fun she would’ve skipped a generation so I loaded the kids with candy and left them at her house.
Why do people say tunafish, rather than just tuna?
Is that to differentiate from the tunacow and tunagiraffe?
this could fix me
I always hold the door for ladies, but they never seem to get in the car when I do that.
Me: Is there something wrong with your pasta?
4-year-old: It’s not a doughnut.
A vegan said to me that people who sell meat are disgusting.
I answered that people who sell fruits & veg’s are grocer.
Retweet if you’re naughty! Star if you love Jesus! Reply if you’d like to meet him!
“HELP! Frankenstein’s attacking me!”
911: Frankenstein? Or Frankenstein’s *monster*?
“AAAH he ripped my arm off”
911: Which one did, sir
happy mother’s day here is the result of my mom voice texting while talking to her dog
kitchen magnet
*snaps wife’s nighttime eye mask*
You up?