me: can you calm down
The Leg Bounce™: I literally cannot
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Didn’t have internet on my phone for the past few hours. Finally graduated, got married, lost some weight, read 15 books and showered.
once again my favorite hobby, lunging at people in parking garages, has landed me in hot water
Me typing: univrsity
Autocorrect: Hey I caught a typo.
Me: Haha oops.
Autocorrect: You meant to say “U never city”
Me: Why would I say that?
Autocorrect: I fixed it and sent it to your dad.
Her: Why do you have a copy of 50 Shades of Grey in your bathroom? Perv!
Me: Oh. No that’s just for when I run out of toilet paper.
Husband: “Did you eat the last cookie?”
Me: “The kids did.”
H: “Are you sure?”
Me: “What am I 5? I told you I didn’t eat it.”
H: ” Hey kids, did mommy eat the last cookie?”
Kids: “Yeah, and she ate it in the bathroom so we couldn’t get it.”
This medicine says I should not operate heavy machinery, so I guess I won’t be doing laundry for the next two weeks. Safety first.
Oh so when Van Helsing kills a vampire he’s a hero, but when I do it I’m “ruining Halloween”
We had half a cake left from my husband’s birthday and my mother-in-law said I should wrap it and put it in the freezer for later, as if we’re not planning to eat the other half for breakfast tomorrow.
me: [running from the police] you’ll never catch me!
cop: [unplugs the treadmill]
Pal – “Can you help me put this IKEA desk together?”
Me – “I’ll need a screwdriver.”
Pal – “Sure what type?”
Me – “Greygoose or Kettle One.”
This won’t work unless you stop asking questions about why I brought a smoked turkey leg to bed.
[kidnapping]
BOSS: Tape his mouth shut.
ME: [puts tiny strip of tape on the hostages mouth]
BOSS: Are you stupid? Put more on.
ME: Oh I’m sorry I forgot tape doesn’t cost money.
*looks at calendar*
*looks at stomach*
*looks at calendar*
Guess I’m telling people I’m pregnant again this summer.
My fav person at work is Stan. He’s Indian or Mexican or Polish or something. He’s always playing jokes and making up words. Today he was clutching his chest yelling “defrib you later!”. Ha! Not if I defrib you first Stan! What a guy
It’s so funny when someone writes a song to try to get someone to have sex with them. That’s what a bird would do!
Me: Sleep time
Brain: Remember in 9th grade when you rhymed “bridges” with “bridges” in a poem & didn’t notice till you were reciting aloud?
Do those “selfie sticks” retract, or do you just have to walk around like a doofus with a stick all day?
Just got a coffee at the airport and then remember they have beer and now I’m awake and sad
I think my new neighbors are creeps. They seem to be looking into my window every time I’m looking out my window to see what they are doing.
What idiot called it “insomnia” and not “resisting a rest”?
I’m directing a psychological thriller called my twins are running against each other for student council.
Mark Zuckerberg came up with the idea for Facebook when he was at a party & a racist uncle wrote a bible quote on a painting then poked him
Mother’s Day is like the Purge for moms. We can literally do whatever we want for 24 hours.
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
Want to get noticed? Go jogging without moving your arms.
I accidentally opened a survey and tried to close it. I got a message that said “please answer survey!”
You need to slow your roll there survey.
HER: what’s with all the finger pointing
ME [sharpening my other pinky]: tradition
[zoo]
ME: Haha…this one’s face!
WIFE: Tha-
M [bangs on glass]
W: Stop it
M [pulls funny face]
W [elbows me aside] So sorry, 2 tickets pls
I make so many mistakes typing that my autocorrect is like, “Duck this shirt.”
I use my oven like my grandmother uses her cell phone – sparingly and confusedly.