If you feel yourself getting sawed in half, he’s probably not a real magician.
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Growing up, I had lots of nicknames but my best would always be ‘Officer! That’s him over there’… It gave me my sprinter’s physique.
*throws roll of duck tape into a pond*
Go little guy, you’re free now.
Is 4 too young to release your kid out into the wild?
Just heard that May is mental health month. Where do I go to pick up my supply?
me: *competes in gymnastics*
official: *blows whistle* stop saying “wee”
Roses are red, my real name is Dave. This poem makes no sense, microwave.
A wet beach towel will dry in about 30 minutes in the sun or 36 weeks in a hotel room.
What song lyric resonates with you the most? Mine is “we’re tiny, we’re toony, we’re all a little loony”
[mastercard commercial]
“there are some things that money can’t buy”politician: i don’t get it
Scientists use dead bodies? Jesus, I know they’re nerds but they should still be able to make living friends.
Enjoy your 30s cause in your 40s your check knees light comes on
Finally found a house! We couldn’t afford it and it wasn’t for sale, but we just murdered the owners and took it anyway. Happy Columbus Day!
I saved my husband’s life insurance company 1 million dollars by switching to xanax.
[sets up grandfather’s first computer]
ME: Okay, Grandpa… Just call me if you have any questions or problems.
[phone rings one hour later]
ME: Hello?
GRANDPA: WebMD says I’m pregnant.
The transplant surgeon was almost at the hospital when he realized that home was where the heart was.
Why do they call it beauty sleep when you wake up looking like shit?
if you knew me before my 20s, you never actually knew me. you knew season 1 me. we were severely underfunded and the writing team was going through a lot.
Like PAC-MAN before me, I too feel pursued by the ghosts of my past, consume mindlessly without end, and enjoy fruit.
“Ninja please” -Japanese people
Nobody talks about Jesus’ miracle of having 12 close friends in his 30s
My personal brand is being the guest at a wedding who can’t dance but puts in a noticeable effort.
Him: why do you keep poking me ?
Her: I’m looking for the mute button
Every recipe should include ingredients, instructions, and which local restaurant delivers last minute
I’m 6 doughnuts away from being the elephant in the room.
If I were a Scooby Doo villain, I’d take the whole thing to court. How hard can it be to overturn the testimony of 4 kids who talk to a dog?
Kids: Mom told us about the elf.
Husband: She did? She told you that…
Kids: He has COVID.
Husband:
Me:
6: And he’s on a bendilator.
In 6th grade I had an ugly pimple on my nose that left a scar and I told my friend I got bitten by a spider…dude called me Batman because he didn’t know shit about comics
[in bed]
Me: Don’t you love being on top?
Date: *peering down from top bunk* this isn’t what I had in mind
Me: shhh, you’re gonna wake my mom
*staring directly into the sun* is this meditation am I meditating
I am dressed in all grey and a man also dressed in all grey just stared at me and for a second I got very nervous that he thought I was him