Me: I want a snack.
Husband: You could have veggies.
Me: …I have never felt less heard in this marriage than I do now.
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*gets stabbed and looted by mugger*
me: “oh yeah just leave like everyone else does”
The most dangerous piece of machinery a person can operate while drinking is the telephone
Sleep patterns are fascinating. There’s light sleep, where your heart rate slows; deep sleep, where you can’t easily be wakened; and REM sleep, where you lose your religion.
went to kiss a girl last night and her eyes rolled back and her head floated off her shoulders body burst into flames i am a bad kisser
Expert: your husband?
Woman: that’s right. Len.
Expert: well, as you can see Len’s flipping up men’s ties and if you look closely… there, see how he’s slipping potatoes into people’s bags? This is an activity we call ‘hi jinx’.
Woman: I thought it might be!The Antics Roadshow
After my ex and I broke up, I was in a really bad place (Florida)
Dear America
Would you please take the ‘s’ off the word ‘legos’ and put it back on the word ‘math’ where it belongs.
Many thanks
England
Ugh, I may have lost my “World’s Best Dad” keychain. My 2 year old was playing with it an hour ago but I don’t know where she went.
Chief: You’re the WORST cop in the department! Hand over your gun and badge!
Me: *realising I left both in my son’s crib* Uhhhhh….
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
How to stay sober during #GOPDebate drinking games:
Take a shot every time someone tells the truth.
[High school reunion]
Classmate: I’ve been out building schools in Africa
Me: I got banned from the zoo for gluing sideburns onto a dolphin
I’ve never wanted to know the answer to anything bad enough to ask a question at the end of a meeting that’s running 30 minutes over time.
My first act as governor? Switching the tornado sirens out with C&C Music Factory’s Everybody Dance Now.
Guy in the parking lot tried to sell me a “Rolex” watch. I should probably change because I must look stupid today.
I’m 6’ and I’m built like someone who overestimates by four inches
80% of arguments start because someone hasn’t eaten yet.
[making flamingos]
God: bird.
Adam: got it.
G: but it stand still a lot.
A: ok..
G: on one leg.
A: how high are you?
G: make it pink.
Mom: Some stranger keeps answering your land line.
Me: That’s because I haven’t had a land line in 7 years, Ma.
if you ever wanna impress a girl just bring a baby on your date and then basically just outperform the baby at everything it’s really easy
I drove by two different First Baptist churches today.
One of them is lying.
I just shaved my legs and man, the next 7 minutes and 34 seconds before it starts growing back is gonna feel amazing.
“I will look for you. I will find you. And I will kill you.” -Liam Neeson opening a Where’s Waldo book
From now on, when you see the word “minimum”, good luck trying to not imagine a tiny British mother.
Waiter: I see you glass is empty, would you like another one?
Dad: Why would I want two empty glasses?
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: disappointing people
professor x: I was expecting a much better answer
me: see?
texting every hot girl in my phone “don’t mention it whatever you need always” and then “oh fuck sorry that was for my mom”
I don’t care if you used to be the village bicycle…
All that matters is that you’re my bicycle now.
~inspirational tweet
Hey to all the girls with more than one person in their picture you’re making this VERY DIFFICULT.
Nurse drawing her fifth vial of blood:
Almost done.Me: I’d hope. You gonna run tests or frame me for murder?