My Alexa only responds when I’m shouting.
Welcome to the family, Alexa.
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Who the hell buys furniture online? Why would you buy a chair or couch you can’t even sit in? What if it has burlap cushions stuffed w/hay?
Son: DAD! There’s a mobster under my bed!
Me: Aaw, cute. You mean monster?
Son: No
[from under the bed] “Whatcha gonna do ’bout it big guy?”
Support bacteria
They’re the only culture some people have.
Was putting away laundry and spotted this betrayal in my wife’s closet. Troubling times my friends, troubling times.
*My parents at my birth*
Mom: she’s beautiful
Dad: she’s perfect.
Precognitive doctor: One day she will have a “top three” monkey gifs.
Me: *digging a hole* Sorry, honey. Just following the social distancing orders.
Him: It’s six feet APART, not under.
Me: Just get in.
Hell hath no fury like a pizza pocket that hasn’t had proper cooling time.
[gets invited to a party where kids are welcome]
*me to my baby goat* This is your moment to shine!
the squirrels are playing dodgeball with acorns again, must be mating season
I don’t normally cook. How much vodka do you add to the mashed potatoes?
When I play rock paper scissors I always pick Rock because Dwayne Johnson shows up and punches my opponent.
[Movie Theater]
Me: This Icee will last me the whole movie.
Me, immediately after previews: Ok so about that.
…sees you when you’re sleeping, knows when you’re awake, knows if you’ve been bad or good…
Me: Omg, this song is about my phone.
Can’t wait for the air quality to improve so I can continue staying indoors and avoiding social commitments
when im eating a salad and some leaf stems are sticking out of my mouth i feel like a brontosaurus
Don’t you hate when you’re an astronaut and someone opens the hatch to go into space and you’re like, “nooooo, all my air guitars!”
If your last name is Brown, naming your kid Encyclopedia, is a pretty boss move.
Look I wanna be friendly, but you have to introduce yourself to me 3-5 times in the wild
So society’s *real* key workers have just been revealed.
Not the bankers. Not the traders. Not the elite hedge fund managers.
It’s the nurses. The doctors. The delivery drivers. The carers. The porters. The teachers. The shelf stackers. The check out staff.
#COVID19
A snake comin out the ceiling?! It can have the house
Wife: *glares* “Do you think you’re funny?”
Me: “Yes.”
W:
M:
W:
Me: “I mean no.”
W:
M: “How many guesses do I get?”
Writing cuss words on the white space of textbook pages is marginally offensive.
‘You’ll go to hell for that joke’
*in Hell
Me: What did you do?
Hitler: Genocide, what did you do?
Me: Dunno tweeted a joke
me: “im confused, run that by me again”
doctor: “you do not need to bring your cat to the hospital, that’s just what we call the machine”
This was a terrible day, I’m having live grenades for dinner.
My husband won’t let me pick up wood at Home Depot because he doesn’t want it scratched or bent but I can take care of his children daily.
I should’ve peed first
– my headstone
my favorite hobby is reading a book by a fireplace in a cabin in the woods. in other words, my favorite hobby is being threatening to trees
[restaurant]
WAITER: [brings bill]
ME: I got this
DATE: Thanks
ME: [gets out piggy bank]
[hits it w/ hammer]
[it is filled w/ bees]
ME: RUN