Bruce Willis on a jetski, being pursued by a pug on a smaller jetski
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Is it safe for Ryan Gosling to wink at a girl that’s already pregnant or does it like, poke the baby?
“Can I get you to-”
YES!
“Great! Here it-”
I’LL DO IT!
“Don’t you want to-”
MAKE THE CHECK OUT TO…– Adam Sandler being handed a script
Two crows fall in love, move in together, start a family.
The perfect murder.
I don’t want to be cremated when I die. I want my body thrown on a group of unsuspecting, cocky teens in a haunted house.
WIFE: How’s the ventriloquism going?
ME: Not good.
WIFE: But I got you that Ventriloquism For Dummies book.
ME: I don’t think he read it.
Baby ducks are “ducklings”, baby pigs are “piglets”, and baby humans are “annoying.”
My kids asked me what people were protesting about on tv so I had to sit them down and very carefully explain that people are still angry about the horrible Mother’s Day gift they bought me.
Interviewer: “What is your biggest weakness?”
Me: “Answering job interview questions correctly.”
ME: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
MY LAWYER: would you please stop saying that
tryna choke on gummy bears so my tombstone can read killed by a bear
Thought it would be romantic to recreate the 12 Days of Christmas, but having 23 game birds indoors is actually a hellish nightmare.
Starve a cold. Feed a fever. Humiliate a rash. Flatter a migraine. Friendzone diarrhea. Date cramps. Bring anxiety home to meet the family.
Me: My son is pathologically literal.
“Perhaps he should see a child psychiatrist?”
Me: I think we’ll try an adult doctor first thanks.
Heard someone say their charcuterie house looks too good to eat and I don’t think they know how cheese works.
[making the first boat]
“How do we get across this river?”
ME: we gotta build a boat
“What’s a boat?”
ME: that’s what we gotta figure out
what do you mean I never take you anywhere we just took a 365 day trip around the sun
Them: Go big or go home
Me, 30 mins later, in my bed: This is nice
well, this sucks. apparently anti bird spikes work on you even if you’re not a bird but just like sitting high
me: *clutching arm* the bark is worse than the bite
gf: how did you get bitten by a tree
These people at the theater are looking at me like they’ve never seen a grown woman hugging a stuffed animal at a scary clown movie before
The easiest way to bundle your home and auto insurance is to live in your car.
Victims of ninjas, who hurt you?
Me: what do you want for lunch?
3yo: a pickle.
Me: a pickle is not a meal.
3yo: two pickles.
Literally infuriating seeing so many people still going out to pubs. I came here for a quiet drink!
My walk of shame is spending 10 minutes trying to pronounce something at a Mexican restaurant before giving up and ordering tacos.
Saw a tweet about foods to help your sex life.
I need sex to help my sex life, not food.
business idea: a dating app that only matches Adams with Steves
I yell at my kids to hurry up and then spend 10 minutes searching for a sweatshirt that I’m holding.
88% of parenting is begging your kids to blow their nose.