If you see me on my balcony practicing my karate, just keep driving…I don’t want you getting pregnant.
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I asked 5 why she threw her peas on the floor and she said “it wasn’t me it was my imaginary friend“ and I said “I didn’t know you had an imaginary friend” and she said “I don’t, I just thought of it when you got cross about the peas”
Fitness influencer: It’s important to listen to your body.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
16,875,547,322 traffic-related bug deaths so far this year
Once a teacher said nobody was buying my cool guy act but he dropped his clipboard and there was a drawing of me in sunglasses on it.
Me: What kind of stupid phone you got there?
Him: Windows phone
Me: Oh [takes it and lobs it out the window] Yes it is
People who don’t like pickles are so important because they give me their pickles
Doctor: How long has this been bothering you?
Women: It started after work 2 days ago at 7pm.
Men: I think it started in the 90’s.
Awwww, your kids sound like they are still adorable. My kids are teenagers. They make “yo mama” jokes and then look over at me nervously.
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
It’s a horror movie called Overalls in the Portapotty.
When a child loses a tooth, some parents put a dollar under their pillow. Other parents leave a book called, “Your Disintegrating Body.”
Chicago sounds lovely.
Don’t hate the PLAYA… hate the Spanish word for beach.
Caught my sex robot in bed with my Roomba.
In an alternate universe there is only one movie about falling in love, but thousands about swapping faces with John Travolta.
Good news, my mom’s friend’s sister’s cousin’s cat doesn’t have ringworm
Death. Resurrection. Saviour. I believe in Robocop.
Having a crush is weird bc one minute you’re a normal person and then out of nowhere you’re like damn I wanna bake that boy a pie
“SELF CARE!” I scream as my trench coat full of monkeys scurries toward everyone’s wallets and watches.
Hi. This automated call is to let you know that the prescription you don’t need is available and that the one that you do need has been discontinued. Press one to continue to get annoying calls like this. Press two for the same thing.
Car commercials are so insane, like hey we’re going to the mountains to chase owls in our kia sorento, alright take it easy penelope.
You may find my attraction to Goofy weird, but I don’t give a hyuck.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of doing fun stuff on the weekend we can go to a kid’s birthday party where everyone coughs.
You know you are Canadian when 0°c and sunny is beautiful warm day…
That awkward moment you tell someone they need to take their Halloween profile picture down and they never put one up.
Me: sorry, I can’t take strangers from candy
Giant gummy bear handing me a person: oh no
Emojis are so weird. It’s like “I enjoyed your comment, here is a smiling disembodied head suffering from jaundice”.