I get it, artificial Christmas tree. I also can’t fit in my pre-Christmas box.
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I did laundry for 7 miles according to my Fitbit that I accidentally washed and dried.
Goku in church: “This Jesus guy sounds really strong. I would have loved to fight against him!”
#WeirdThingsToBeAfraidOf Whatever KitKat comes up with next
The most rebellious thing about me is that I refuse to cover my super white legs no matter how many people I blind with them
Want some raisins?
No thanks.
Want some raisins covered in dark chocolate?
Dammit, I’m in.
Me: Hi. I’d like to deposit a large amount of cash.
Bank teller: Ok. Where is it?
Me: No, I said I’d like to.
*First day as a fire investigator*
Me: We’re trying to figure out why your house burned down
Woman: Have you ruled out arson?
Me: *narrows eyes, looks at baby* No
I learned two important lessons today. I can’t remember the first lesson, but the second one is I have to start writing things down.
“I think that kid’s a robot”
What?
“Look at his mouth”
Relax they’re just braces
*backs away slowly*
“That’s exactly what a robot would say”
I have come up with the most awkward event of all time: the Father-Son wedding dance.
If someone came to my door & said “We’ll give you a dollar for every plastic bag shoved under your kitchen sink.” I’d be living large.
My dad: Too many lamps in a room we are sitting in is wasting electricity
Also my dad: Installs a dozen flood lights to illuminate the outside of the house
ANGEL: so the humans turned out… okay
GOD: my greatest creation
ANGEL: truly your best work
GOD: imma drown em
ANGEL: oh thank god
I have been vegan for 11 years, but I was pinched by a crab today, and I feel it is only fair that I be allowed to eat one (1) of them as retribution.
Duolingo is the only app I have where I can safely avoid Succession spoilers
Autocorrect wants to capitalize bacon, out of respect.
Just spent 5 minutes scratching my back against a post and now I have the sudden urge to hibernate for winter.
My son mowed the lawn so if you need me I’ll be outside re-mowing the lawn.
Met virtually with my therapist the other day & my cat’s head suddenly popped in the screen. Therapist stopped talking, pointed and whispered “CAT”.
When you’re in a meeting and you see a cat you have to say ‘cat’ just like you have to say ‘cows’ when you see cows while driving.
There’s 2 types of people in this world, people who give 110%, and the people who passed 4th grade math.
My Dad said he wanted tools for Father’s Day, so I brought my ex and my boyfriend.
Screaming “YOU CANT OUTRUN THIS WE ARE ALL DOOMED!” at passing joggers from my window today
*dog runs for president*
*dog sits for president*
*dog rolls over fo
Miniature Donkeys escaped out of the fence and are heading to town and I’m pretty sure the damn cat orchestrated the entire plan.
[First day waiting tables]
Customer: do you have wings?
Me: *flaps elbows* no, just regular arms
The guy who invented “Take Your Child To Work Day” was probably too late to drop his kid off at school on the way to work.
So when a cat pounces on a stranger’s lap and demands tickles it’s “cute” but when I do it I’m “causing trouble in Starbucks” again. Jeez!
Met a guy who said he worked for Deloitte, just moved back from Istanbul office, so, naturally, I barked ‘Turkish Deloitte!’ Nothing. I said: ‘you probably get that a lot’ and he just said not really. Beginning to worry I’m not good at small talk.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
I’m in a High Occupancy lane
Cop: Yes…wait IS THAT A JOINT?
Yeah I’m HIGH lol
Cop: My bad, free to go
and here i thought that donuts only cured sadness