She’s a 10…but sometimes an 8 and maybe a 12 once in awhile because clothing sizes are so inconsistent.
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Parenthood taught me that if you’re running late and tell your kid to hurry, your kid will be super slow, BUT if you wait patiently, your kid will also be super slow. It doesn’t matter.
I don’t worry that I’ll turn into my mother because I’ve already turned into my grandmother.
[getting murdered]
me: my computer has a virus, so u could say
[murdering pauses]
me: i’ve been hacked twice today lol
[murdering intensifies]
Q-TIPS WARNING LABEL: do NOT put these in your ears you WILL go deaf and probably die
EVERYONE: ima pretty much exclusively use them in my ears
I wonder if Barbers got into the business to just sweep hair
My favorite part of The Nun Is when the priest goes “You’re gonna need a bigger nun.”
One of My Ex’s was absolutely beautiful. But, it didn’t workout because all she wanted to do was SWING.
I miss third grade.
i do believe that bears are dangerous and anyone who thinks they can get close to one is very stupid. but i also think i am different and the bear would sense my loving spirit
To do list:
1) Kill the fly in my room.
2) Try to snort multivitamins.
3) Practice Hadouken in mirror.
4) Kill the fly’s loved ones.
There is no bigger liar than the person who named the everything bagel.
why do we park in the driveway but fetishize an impossible and ridiculous masculinity on the hemingway
My cat managed to open a kitchen cabinet and sliced open a bag of flour. I walked into what looked like a feline version of the movie Blow.
My husband still waves to policemen like a 5 year old.
I have snuck past my husband’s work video meetings enough times to know I would make a terrible ninja.
[first date]
her: do u like dogs or cats better
me: [reading menu] what page are u on
Spotify should have helpful mental health suggestions like “your top listens are Taylor Swift and true crime, go to therapy”
Her: is the game almost over?
Me: this is just the first half
Her: uggghh how many more halves are there?
Me: you’re pretty
If I’m ever snowed-in somewhere hope it’s a place that serves mushroom swiss burgers.
I’ve got 99 chores but I ain’t done one. ~Lay-Z
Oh, calm down… One Cobra bite and you’re falling to pieces!
Nobody:
Me: people died on the Titanic but the lobsters were set free.
Not saying Lois Lane is a shitty reporter but my friend showed up without his glasses on today and I recognized him after like 20 minutes.
On a scale of 1 to ‘Maxi pad with wings’
How self-absorbed are you?
I can claim not to have a best-loved child but one of my kids just said his first favorite thing is cleaning and his second favorite is reading so you know I am lying if I deny it
Show me your pushy.
– Sean Connery shext
The most important thing I teach my guitar students is never sing Brown Eyed Girl to a green eyed woman.
Hate it when I put on active wear and nothing happens.
Interviewer: Please put your kazoo away
Windbreakers only want one thing and it’s dis-gusting
My man put me on eBay, that’s right, I got bidnapped