Tractor: ‘Let’s get to work.’
Detractor: ‘Let’s not get carried away.’
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Satan: it’s just… people usually ask for something a little more substantial in exhange for their soul
Me: *straining to reach the remote* are you going to hand it to me or not??
Grasping the ungraspable with Gorilla Glue. Now it’s mine. Forever. Oh.
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
Cat saves kid? Please. My cat would’ve pushed me into traffic, stolen my identity, & would be living it up in Mexico by now.
When I die and eventually go to Hell I’m going to flirt with the Devil like “So, did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?”
ME: Ok, that’s everything in the dishwasher
*closes dishwasher door*
*turns it on*
*turns around*TEASPOON: You’re not gonna believe this
Hubs: You can play outside for 5 more minutes as long as you don’t throw a tantrum when I tell you to come in.
6yo: I might not throw a tantrum. Or I might throw a little tantrum. I don’t know. We’ll see.
Hitting the brakes, I instinctually reach my arm out in front of my passenger seat as my mother did before me. It’s ok, I whisper to my travel Doritos, you’re safe.
friend: Are you eating a whole frozen pizza by yourself?
me: It was on sale for $4
friend: I wasnt asking because I thought it was expensive
Don’t tell me how to lift my baby
ignored emails coming back to bite me call that “night of the unread”
*looks at you in batman voice*
Me: I feel sad I should surround myself with fun and nice things
Also me:
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
Me: So how are you going to finance your second year of college?
Daughter: *drops a “Swear Jar” onto the counter*
Pilot: Hi folks, I thought it’d be nice to speak to you out here instead of over the intercom. Unrelated, is anyone on board a locksmith?
[break-in]
BURGLAR: [cracks safe]
COP: Not so fast, kiddo
BURGLAR: [cracks safe more slowly]
Hit my coworker with “you’re a lucky man” after I saw a picture of his wife just to let him know that I want to sleep with her
Ladies, if you love zoos and meet a nice man who’s in charge of one, he’s a keeper.
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a box of mini corn dogs.
Well, that’s disappointing. I called every crematorium in the state, and they all only do dead people.
12yo son forgot his electric toothbrush — so now he has to MOVE HIS ARM to brush his teeth.
His protest was legendary.
Order food
Hear driver
Get into position
Doorbell
Pause for three seconds
Open and act surprised!
You can tell me any plot of land is an acre and I will have no choice but to believe you.
My daughter just started a question with: So mom, you’ve been old for a really long time…
I don’t know what the rest of the question was, I stopped listening after “long time”
*passenger next to me starts putting on headphones*
Are you mad at me?
Doctor: Open your mouth (inserts tongue depressor)
Me: Mmm, this tastes good.
Dr: You should have tasted it when the Popcicle was on it!
*police searching my home
So, the coffin is for Halloween?
Yes. Yes it is.