Sailors who are unable to stop a ship properly are sent to 2 weeks of court-ordered anchor management.
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Botany good plants lately?
Who decides which tweets go viral and which ones don’t?? I have been putting out quality content for YEARS and I’m starting to understand how Leonardo DiCaprio felt waiting for his Oscar.
interviewer: describe yourself in 5 words
me: mathematically challenged
turning my gender off to conserve energy
Me: I got bitten on my walk by a Great Dane
Her: My God – imagine if it had been a small child
Me: I could have fought off a small child, Alice
Me: I can’t make it in today.
Boss: How sick are you?
M: I cut my sandwiches in rectangles instead of triangles.
B: Jesus, you ARE sick.
“seasonal depression” makes it sound like i brought it home from the farmers’ market
Custom Auto Painting
Food truck owner:
I said I wanted it painted solid white. What’s with the red splotches?Me: You sell spaghetti.
Yoda, seeing himself in 4K:
HDMI
*First Passover*
The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS
A pizza falls into a wormhole and is transported to cavepeople times. A woman discovers and tastes it. “Needs mammoth.”
Me: So it’s kittens… driving sports cars!!
Studio Head: I need security up here NOW.
Me: PLEASE DON’T REJECT “THE FAST AND THE FURRIEST”
[ninja warrior]
HOST: First up we have… Oh-
ME: [dislocates shoulder waving to camera]
friend: I love your cookies
me: it’s a secret family recipe
friend: wow
me: please don’t tell my husband about my secret family
Tell me again how I unloaded the dishwasher too loudly when you were watching golf. Detectives will want to know exactly how this went down.
You guys would not believe the roller coaster of emotions I’ve been through
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself” shut up. That’s not true at all. Have you ever seen a really big wasp.
I could be happily married to some dude for 50 year an id still be textin ma pals like “omg do u think he likes me???”
[During a baby shower]
Me: Ooh I caught one
Wife: Put it down we can’t afford another
(after sex)
Would you mind completing this brief survey?
Please don’t bother me while I am playing Tetris*
*taking everything out of my attic and then fitting it all back in
Therapist: Do u ever feel like hurting yourself
Me: No
T: What about other people
Me:……………………………………………..No
woman who cleans my house: ugh. this place is filthy
also me: lady i’m doing my best
Ritually cleansing* the new house
*taking down the previous owner’s live laugh love decals
Had my arms full of groceries, struggled to get my front door unlocked, & the door caught the back of my shoe & pulled it right off. I stumbled & dropped my groceries. Shoe stayed stuck outside my door. Worst remake of Cinderella ever.
Not to brag but a girl at this party said I look like the Hulk, of course it was when I was turning green from drinking too much, but still…
[Couples Therapy]
HER: He keeps pretending he’s a doctor. This relationship is dead
HIM: I’m calling it. Time of death, 9:26
ME: OMG SEE!
me: 11 can you come here
11: am i in trouble?
me: …no…but…should you be?
11: no.
me: sus.
I’m gonna take this shit to another level!
*pushes elevator button*