When are we gonna admit that those tools we keep by the fireplace are just for killing people?
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Stayed up for hours with my daughter doing homework last night. She got upset “Daddy, I don’t understand it. I don’t know what it is” but we persevered. We were both tired but I was proud of her. Then today my boss was like “THIS BUSINESS CASE LOOKS LIKE AN 8 YEAR OLD DID IT”
I want to open a restaurant for divorcees but I can’t think of what to name it other than fed ex
I cleaned out all my closets and now it looks like a flea market threw up in my dining room.
“Do you have at least 15 tattoos?” – final question at interview to work in a kitchen in 2013
It’s 450 BC. Socrates is doing a keg stand at a philosopher frat party. Gets the nickname SoCRAYtes. Nobody takes him seriously ever again.
[Interview for the cucumber marketing board]
Me: Can we talk about salary?
Boss: Not if you want to keep your job
Me: dance like no one’s watching!
Them: but not naked in the freezer aisle with a frozen turkey to ‘do they know it’s Christmas’!
Son: Can we go to the beach?
Me: *dumps a bucket of sand down his shorts* There you go, bud.
Dad- I want you to have everything in this world that your heart desires.
*Can I have oreos?*
[NO]
BREAKING: Pot calls kettle “black”. “Racial tension at boiling point” says mayor of kitchen cupboard
Holy shit a street psychic just stopped me & said I’m a special person who cares deeply about some things & I’m freaking ’cause that’s SO me
Treat your SO like your cell phone. Even if you’re not paying attention to them, keep them safe in your pocket
I miss dating
The excitement of meeting someone new, that feeling of butterflies when you see if you can climb out their bathroom window…
*has hiccups for 30 seconds*
MY LIFE IS PURE SHIT
Gimme a cheese sub, hold the cheese
“Um, just the bread?”
No bread thanks
“I erm?”
Just butter my hand. And quit gawping I ain’t got all day
My wife is a gluten free vegetarian, if you want to know what life in culinary purgatory is like.
a trio of sheep gather to watch as you sit upon the fence to eat your lunch
Everything is made in China. Except babies. Babies are made in vaChina.
Me: “Wanna see something cool?”
*places piping hot bowl of soup into refrigerator
Reasons I wish I was an octopus:
1. I could hold every slice of a pizza.
2. 8 votes at the PTA meeting.
3. Stop sign hugs.
Apparently, autocorrect wants me to get my shirt together.
My brother’s so homophobic that if he dropped his keys in San Francisco he’d kick them to Oakland before bending over to pick them up.
WIFE: How could you spend our money on this?
ME: *Dressing ducklings in tiny raincoats* They live outside, Karen. They need this.
[meeting aboard the ISS space station]
Capt: all personnel are-David sit down please
Me trying to open a window cos it’s stuffy: in a minute
I once attended a wedding on short notice. My wife signed the card for us, and because they were my friends she accidentally addressed it to the bride and their cat, because I had talked about their cat more than my friend
*Taking my mom to a place she’s never been*
My mom: Are you sure you’re going the right way?
me: *on my 100th crunch at the gym*
employee: ur getting cheeto dust on the weights
COWORKER RECENTLY OUT OF THE HOSPITAL: i blew a tire on a mountain road and crashed thru the guardrail, rolling end over end down a cliff into a creek. i was trapped for hours upside-down & near death until a man walking his dog found me and called 911
ME: what kind of dog was it
“daddy, the sun has disappeared!!”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson arrives on a Segway]
“listen here you little shit”
guys: women are a mystery.
women: Here is what we-
guys: LITERALLY WHAT DO THEY WANT?
women: well for start-
guys: Guess we’ll never know!