I’m just a boy, standing in front of a girl, asking her to help me put a bunch of ducks in my car.
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aliens took me up to on their ship but i have no time for that drama so i just jumped out
If you would have told 7 year old me that one day I’d be sneaking into people’s rooms to steal their teeth I’d have thought you were crazy.
When a ladybug is orange. Must be laundry day.
Me: [2013] I don’t trust anyone I meet online
Me: [2018] last night I met someone on Twitter and we’re moving in together to become paranormal investigators
Not now mom I’m downloading a new virus from Limewire
If homosexuals come out of the closet, do necrophiliacs come out of the casket?
Are we doing Secret Santa this year? Because I accidentally bought unsalted butter.
Me: can I buy you a drink?
Girl: no
Me: *looking at bank account* you’re right
why would someone leave a hollowed out pumpkin on their front porch if they didnt want me living in it
Me: The car battery is flat
Her: Have you tried the AA?
Me: No, it has to be a car battery
[school]
TEACHER: how was your summer?STUDENT: great, I grew a foot
TEACHER: that’s cool, can I see it?
Do citrus fruits grow better in the limelight?
Don’t judge me for my 2-year-old having a pacifier in her mouth.
Judge me for not having any idea where this pacifier came from.
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [wearing a jean jacket] trust me
prosecutor: [walks in wearing two jean jackets]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
Gonna install a mirror inside my fridge so that every time I open it to look for a snack, it’s always there.
Parenting Tip:
Replace the word “nightmare” with “adventure”.
“This common core homework is an adventure for us both!”
“Grandma made us asparagus quiche so we can try an adventure meal!”
“Your endless harmonica practicing will haunt my deepest adventures.”
HELP how do you know if a guy likes you or is only talking to you because you accidentally hit him with your car
There must be an invisible mechanism on my book. Every time I open it, my husband starts trying to talk to me
My right eye is twitching like it’s at some kind of techno dance party that the rest of me wasn’t invited to.
(uses phone to push more food onto my fork)
When my hairdresser asked me if I intentionally styled my hair like that, I panicked.
I told her someone jumped me in the parking and styled it. I’m a quick thinker you know.
*Runs 6 miles*
*Adds Kenyan to resume*
You put in your offer, but then discover the neighbors have a peacock, possibly peacocks. You wonder if they’ll get along with yours.
A cop just pulled me over — asking if I knew my tail light was out? I said, ‘Uh uh. I drive on the inside of my car’
I just got a text from an ex telling me he wanted to “reach out.” This isn’t a work email buddy.
Sure my haircuts weren’t always great, but Mom did the best she could while also frying bacon, talking on the phone and smoking a cigarette.
Instead of the death penalty they should make prisoners nice and comfortable and then tell them that the remote control is across the room.
“none of your ridiculous drink recipes tonight, ok dan?”
I promise
[later]
*stuffing flatbread into blender* WHO WANTS A PITA COLADA
My mom always put safety first. She used to warn me about running with scissors as we rode in her convertible with no seatbelts going 80 mph on the highway after she had a few beers.
Her: Look, I made a huge mistake hooking up with you, OK? I love my boyfriend.
Me: Yea, I could really sense that when you were taking my belt off with your teeth…