When I die, I hope I have enough time to point at a complete stranger and whisper “you did this.”
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Vacation Bible School is a phrase that gets less exciting for kids as each word is introduced
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
My neighbor started mowing his yard at 6am so I opened all my windows and vacuumed because I don’t understand how revenge works.
7:43 pm: I am in an argument with my girlfriend and my anger is justified
7:51 pm: I have just apologized for the Salem Witch Trials
The mood took a dark turn when I intercepted the wedding bouquet and ran it back for a touchdown.
My reactions
1st child’s problems: I WILL fix this!!
2nd child’s problems: Let me know if you need help.
3rd child’s problems: Good luck.
Nowadays you can post your opinions instantly. Used to be, if you got riled up by a troubadour’s ballad you had to weave a whole tapestry about it
Hey, people “liking” Walmart on Facebook – you OK?
I was definitely that mouthy preteen girl that told my dad’s girlfriend she’s just a girlfriend for NOW, while I’ll always be his daughter.
well, guess what, Brianne?
Happy 25th anniversary
Tell Dad I said hi
If you can diet in October around all the Halloween candy-you’re either dying or practicing witchcraft.
ME: We left the kids at their grandparents
FRIEND: Date night?
ME: No we just don’t like them anymore
There are two types of people in this world:
1)People who tried to move an object with their mind at least once
2)Liars
computer: choose a password
me: TheScarletLetter
computer: password cannot contain symbols
sister in law asked me to get yellow onion from the store. lady it’s called a lemon
the school sent my 7yo home with a recorder and she is foregoing learning actual songs so she can “perfect her police and ambulance siren sounds” god help me
“Yes officer, *rolling eyes* I know what a traffic light is I passed the captcha test on three tries.”
piss me off and I’ll put you on my kid’s school fundraiser mailing lists
day 1 of quarantine: i have stockpiled 1200 tubes of yogurt
day 2 of quarantine: my kids have just finished the last of the yogurt
Apocalypse 101: Don’t befriend the cool looking guy with a bunch of guns. Go with the one who knows how to tie knots, and can tell which plants are poisonous.
There’s no such thing as a 10 second rule, with a 5 second dog.
GF: “Call me ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
Me: “Hi ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
*watching smart car washed away in a flood on the news*
If it was really smart it would know how to swim.
*Food arrives*
*Waits 3 days*
*Slowly takes bite of food*
*Waitress appears from under the table in camouflage*
HOW IS EVERYTHING??
My television roles include “Fleeing Suspect” on Season 3 of Cops and “Jubilant Non Father” on Season 7 of the Maury Povich Show.
Remember when we thought 2016 was a terrible year and wanted it to be over?
Good times.
Glass caskets: will they become popular?
Remains to be seen.
Give one 6 year old $100 for its birthday and suddenly you’re invited to every party in town…I know what I’m doing.
This outfit is called Running Into Someone I Know Would Be The Ultimate Worst Thing That Could Happen
Whoa there, pregnancy test. You just tell us yes or no and we’ll decide if it’s positive or negative.
[Paranormal Investigator shows up at Disney World]
Ok, show me this so-called “haunted mansion”