I don’t sign anything if they don’t give me time to pretend to read it first.
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a robber breaking into my house and putting two left shoes on my feet so when I wake up to chase after him I just run in a circle
*Steve Carell washes hands*
*Steve Purell*
[first day as a surgeon]
me: do you have any questions?
patient: how often do people die during this surgery?
me: just once
Cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
The look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
Husband is leaning dangerously out of window whilst he cleans it. Only thing stopping me from shoving him out is that he cleans the windows
Whomsoever named Big Bird really nailed it.
marriage is so goth. it’s like “I’m in this until DEATH” jfc dude settle down
Six-year-old: “Dad why do you have to go to work?”
Me: “If I didn’t go to work who would buy your transformers?”
Six-year-old: “Dad the money for transformers doesn’t come from your work. I pay for those by doing extra chores.”
GOD: Let’s give her ALL the awesome.
“But what if it’s TOO much awesome?”
GOD: Then we’ll divide it evenly between multiple personalities.
Oh, I see. “Adam and Steve” is gay, but “Adam dates his own rib” is perfectly acceptable.
Still my favourite meme.
My daughter has been asking for more independence lately so this morning I took her out for breakfast and asked for separate checks.
Young God: ok, a little hydrogen and-
*chemistry set explodes*Mom: what was that?!
God: nothing! *scoops resulting universe into shoebox*
Me: I consider myself a pretty easygoing guy
Also me: *gets angry about the size of box amazon uses*
Sometimes I wonder how such beautiful kids can really be mine.
Then my 4-year-old opens a door and runs into the door frame.
Then I know.
I’ll straight up call someone who’s making trouble a “rabble rouser”, and someone who’s rousing rabble a “troublemaker”. I really don’t give a shit anymore.
*eats nothing but junk food for 3 weeks straight*
OMG is bellyache a symptom?!
Once upon a time,
You weren’t listening to the story mommy was reading to you so everyone in the book dies. The end.
I believe this to be the best photograph of a dog ever taken in human history.
[trapped on a patch of ice that’s melting in the Arctic ocean]
[rubs Genie bottle]
“can you hook me up with some wifi?”
Geez ONE crystal champagne glass gets broken and I’m not allowed to use them in the cat obstacle course anymore
I bet if you walked up to any table at a restaurant and said “Good afternoon folks” they will let you take their order.
Cricket Audience: *goes wild*
Cricket Comedian: Wow tough crowd
[cheesecake for two at fancy restaurant]
Me: -bite-
Him: -bite-
Me: -bite-
Him -bite-
[cheesecake falls on its side]
Me: Jenga!
imagine your card gets declined at church and god dies
*looks out the window, sees bubonic plague is back*
Mondays, amirite?
I question the people that blow their nose in a tissue and then look to see what comes out.
Were they really expecting gold or something?
Marvin stared at the painting of his great grandfather, who had survived two wars, worked three jobs to support his fourteen children, and eventually died saving a box full of kittens from a fire, and thought to himself, “You know, if I knocked that over, I could sleep on it.”
“can’t you take a hint?” bro I don’t even understand literal stuff
drank a Mike’s Hard Lemonade & crashed my dirt bike into a mailbox RT @McDonalds Good morning! How was your weekend?