I feel like trying new things in bed. Like getting up for instance.
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My wife just said “I’m fine” and “Do whatever you want” in a single sentence so if you never see another tweet from me again, y’all know the reason.
Interviewer: “How much time would you spend on an issue before realizing you can’t fix it yourself and moving on?”
Me: “Well that’s subjective. I wasted a decade on a failed marriage, but I’d call tech support in like 5 mins.”
Noah: I need 2 of every animal
Shark: even us?
Noah: no, you can swim
Unicorn: I’m pretty good at swimming
Noah: go for it
An older couple saw me open my wife’s car door for her and came over to compliment me.
Moral of the story: old people are nosy.
Bruce Wayne was terrified of bats & he became Batman, so anyway that’s why I became ClownBaboonDentistMan
She : Drink responsibly..!
Me : Responsibilities are the reason why I drink.
That’s amazing.
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah dude, it’s me, your partner
I had to see these photos of somebody putting their sphinx cat in a wig and dress and now so do you.
wife: honey did you see the new player piano I bought
me: *stops googling can ghosts play the piano* yes I did
Client, “I just want to be in the best place possible after this divorce.”
Me, “Well, since you got caught cheating on your wife of 22 yrs, I’m thinking your best place is probably living in your parent’s basement with your 22 yr old girlfriend, Chad.”
I bet you’re wondering why I pulled you over
If anyone were to look at my bathroom they’d be positive some kind of a struggle took place.
But nope, it was just me getting ready.
The clearest evidence that I’ve gone insane is the fact that I pay monthly for a land line.
One man’s girlfriend is another man’s Twitter password.
My favorite part of The Nun Is when the priest goes “You’re gonna need a bigger nun.”
Damn boy are you a stormtrooper, because you’re never gonna hit this
This guy on GMA is thanking God b/c he survived 2 plane crashes. I’m pretty sure “God” is trying to kill him.
Every time I see a white work van, I beat the driver unconscious, and check in the back. Sooner or later I’ll be a hero.
[sky diving]
INSTRUCTOR: questions before we jump?
ME: do u think clams ever choke on their pearls?
INSTRUCTOR: *pushes me out of the plane*
[dog dies in a movie]
Me: *crying*[human dies in a movie]
Me: *crying* why did they have to kill that dog earlier
My Kid: (handing me balloons) Daddy, can you make balloon animals?
Me: uh…sure… I can make an eel, or a snake…
My Kid: I want a poodle.
Me:…or a worm…
My Kid: POODLE!
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
My son is 6’2” and he just said loudly from another room “god I can smell my feet from here and I’m standing up” so yes, I will be burning those shoes
I tried to sell something for $69 on Facebook, and I guess that’s some kind of code because 3 people asked for my phone number and none of them wanted my old chair.
His kids disappoint him
He’s pissed off at life
He screams at the news
He yells at his wife
He once punched a Girl Scout
Who looked at him wrong
He tripped an old woman
For singing a song
Just stay out of his way
Or risk a black eye
He’s
[After my wife ate my bag of M&Ms I was saving for later]
Wife: You’re being so over-dramaticMe *texting her back from motel room* am I
Friend: I’m getting married
Me: OMG, I’m so sorry. How long do you have?
johnny depp looks like the person who does hair and make up for johnny depp
Maybe, if I sit very still, this nice family at Olive Garden won’t notice that I’m sitting at their table eating their bread sticks.