Me: I hurt my shoulder.
Them: sports related injury?
Me: sports bra related injury.
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American Diner: How’d you like your eggs?
American: 2 egg golds, 2 egg blankets, Over – under, flip cut, tray wide smooth, smiley side West.British Cafe: Eggs?
British Person: please.
rich people are like we have to disguise the refrigerator
There’s literally no way to know how many chameleons are in your house
ME: Not all heroes eat crepes.
HIM: It’s “Not all heroes wear capes.”
ME: Oh, so do all heroes eat crepes?
HIM:
ME: Then shut up.
“SOME OF US ARE TRYING TO SLEEP” I yell at the neighbor I can hear vacuuming at 1pm in the afternoon.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a dietician.
Me: Fascinating. There are so many ways to die, right?
I always ask Subway workers if THEY want double meat, then wink.
Then I get kicked out.
Have a baby hold your cigarette for a minute
and everybody loses their shit!
In retrospect, replying “Happy as a serial killer in a skin suit factory”, probably wasn’t the best way to respond to my therapist.
A group of arsonists is called a firing squad.
shampoo bottle: Contains No Parabens!
me (has no idea what that is or means): good.
Even if I were taking a dump on the moon someone would walk in and sit down in the stall next to me.
Home is where your toilet is.
[gently takes the Spider-Man franchise outside using a cup and piece of paper]
There you go, little buddy. You’re free now.
“help us improve instagram” nice try fix your own damn website.
It’s amazing what happens when you take a little time to get to know someone.
They become even more annoying.
The last two weeks have been a strange ten years.
True
CITY PLANNER: what should we call the paved path next to the street
CRAB: i have an idea
Took me thirty five minutes to tighten the screw in my glasses because I didn’t have my glasses on.
her: thanks for catsitting! everything go okay?
schrödinger: yes and no
My neighbors are out in their backyard having an epic argument so it looks like the fireworks show is getting started early.
The Sun’s probably Asian.
I am dressed in all grey and a man also dressed in all grey just stared at me and for a second I got very nervous that he thought I was him
“I decided I wanted to be a ninja so I googled “Ninja School”, followed the link and the page could not be found. Well played, Ninja School”
toddler *walks by with a hammer*
me: What are you gonna make?
toddler: Noise
me: excuse me, my chicken is cold
waiter: I’m terribly sorry sir, but pets aren’t allowed in here
Technically, it’s only cannibalism if you eat the top half of the mermaid, your honour.
normalize being naked at the laundromat so u can wash ALL ur clothes
Me: Son, how many times have I told you to stop playing with dolls?
Son: I’m trying to teach CPR. Please get out.