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Normal Person (being inconvenienced): I deserve better than this
Me (being stabbed w/swords): I’m so sorry for getting blood on your swords
‘You have a PhD!’ I whisper encouragingly to myself as I creep, terrified, towards the spider [I don’t, but the spider doesn’t know this]
Whoever said your harshest critic is yourself never had an 11 yr old daughter
THERAPIST: what brings you in today?
ME: sharks lack the ability to hug.
THERAPIST: *starts to cry*
*kicks door down*
*realizes its the wrong house*
*leaves*
*comes back with tool bag*
*fixes door*
*apologizes*
Adding pasta water to my cereal to make the milk stick.
Is that a banana in your pocket because to be honest my potassium is really low and
I鈥檓 not saying I drink too much caffeine but I do believe my body will keep moving 48 hours after my death.
There are not enough romantic comedies about a small town girl falling in love with a city pizza.
shakespeare: to sleep, perchance to dream
me: *lies wide awake in bed wondering what “perchance” means*
Found my missing cardigan when my sister posted a FB pic of her wearing it.
Two more plagues and Pharaoh lets us all go, right?
Toy Story (1995): A young boy’s toy chest becomes possessed by haunted dolls, forcing the family to move away. But the dolls find him.
Airport moving sidewalks are great for when you only want to feel like George Jetson for 10 seconds before you’re back to Fred Flintstone.
Trees meet other trees for sex through Timber.
I like to relax by sampling different types of cheese while people watching.
Walmart clerk: ma’am, put down the block of cheese and get out of the display
If you want to get more out of people, squeeze them really hard.
If anyone’s looking for a new podcast recommendation, check out the one I listened to over the weekend. Can’t remember what it was called but it offered a fascinating insight into its chosen topic. Well worth a listen if you get a chance 馃憤
I was led to believe there鈥檇 be secret missions, stamps in my passport and fancy galas.
Sleeping Beauty gave me entirely too much hope that there were spells to keep you asleep for years at a time.
Does anyone know how to get to Sesame Street? Elmo owes me money.
me: how can I impress my date
friend: buy her dinner
me: ok
[later at the restaurant]
her: what?me: I said how much do you want for your burger?
*has argument with husband*
*brings up all the dumb shit he said in 2011**adds “Historian” to bio*
Crayons are a lot like M&M’s. All of the colors taste the same.
This is amazing.
[planning heist]
Me: then we access the vault
Guy: I don’t think they have a vault
Me [mocking]: yeah I bet they jus leave the Mcflurrys out
Just pulled into the ‘Expecting Mothers’ parking spot at Walmart because I’m fully expecting to lose my shit on one of my kids in there.
Who cares if you have regrets on your death bed. You’re about to die. I have regret everyday and have like another 40 years of this garbage
Maybe you should trust the CDC on how to handle a pandemic over your cousin Matt who is banned from Denny鈥檚 for setting off firecrackers.
Jennifer Aniston is always cast in the same role because she’s a victim of Rachel profiling.