British websites use biscuits.
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It amazes me how the moon controls the tides from hundreds of thousands of miles away…
yet, it’s a struggle to get my kid to pick up toys from only a few feet away
I took a test to see if I have multiple personalities. I scored 100%, 92%, and 88%.
Twenty bucks to anyone who shows up at my funeral, leans into the casket and says “You okay buddy? Do you want to go get some ice cream?”
Marriage Tip: Always be dumber than your spouse at math so you don’t have to help your kid with his math homework.
My husband hasn’t forgiven me for answering ‘Okie dokie artichokie’ instead of utilizing the more socially acceptable phrase, “I do.”
10YO: [on her ipad] beat my high score!
ME: y’know they’re just numbers on a screen right? they don’t mean anything
[checks follower count]
neighbor complimenting my jack-o-lantern: wow is that hand carved?
me: *wiggling my fingers* haha no it’s real.
Does anybody know how many toddlers you have to bring to ‘Toys For Tots’ before you’re eligible for an Xbox?
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me: Idk how dark is it?
*God invents corgis*
God: what ingredients do we have left
Angel: uh, a meatloaf and some pig feet
God: lol check this out
Friend: What’s your costume for Halloween?
Me: The Invisible Man
Friend: Bandages and sunglasses?
Me: More realistic.
Friend: You’re not coming to the party are you?
Me: God no.
How’s my day going?
If I was Daffy Duck I would of lost my beak already.
Stand way over there and let me tell you a funny fairytale. Once upon a time I ate all of your Halloween candy this morning.
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around garlic bread” trust me.
Pay your exorcist or you may get repossessed.
My goal weight is to stop hearing ‘you have a great personality’
My kids told me I have rizz and I feel flattered. Or insulted? Or confused. Definitely confused.
I missed your birthday because I didn’t log onto Facebook that day. #LetsBeReal
Her: Let’s play doctor.
Me: Ok. That’ll be $500.
Here’s a little song I wrote about the birds in the bush outside my bedroom window it’s called “I’m Wide Awake and Angry at 4 AM” and a one and a two
Her: u have a choice its me or the megaphone
Me: fine
Her: good
Me: [puts megaphone directly to her ear] I THINK WE SHOULD SEE OTHER PEOPLE
Are chicken nuggets an emotion because i feel very chicken nuggets right now
A Vampire Bat is easy to spot due to its funny accent and little silk cape
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: thank god, I thought you were going to kill me
I don’t get the concept of Beach House Hunters. You don’t have to hunt a house. Especially on the beach. It has nowhere to hide
Everything’s free if you learn to mimic the beep of the self-checkout scanner
I should’ve known inventing a boomerang with teeth would come back to bite me.
[Reading to 6 about sea turtles this AM before school]
Me: “A nest of sea turtle eggs that is in colder temperatures will hatch all male. A nest in warmer temperatures will hatch all females.” Hmm, cool. Didn’t know that.
6: *thinking* Sooo…Mommy was hot when she had me?
Me:
You’re old you get aroused by commercials about non-slip winter footwear