A pile of inside out bathing suits can be found by the rotisserie chickens because I couldn’t find a dressing room at Costco.
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This bloke knocked on my door and asked me if I’ve considered an alternative energy supplier.
I said, ‘No thanks, I’m quite happy with food.’
My husband is bringing our puppy to the Farmer’s Market to socialize her. I am staying home and adding vodka to my coffee to socialize me.
2010: Didn’t jog
2011: Didn’t jog
2012: Didn’t jog
2013: Didn’t jog
2014: Haven’t jogged~ This is a running joke
If I were in a mob movie, my role would be “the fishes”, so everyone would end up sleeping with me.
I invented a gun that fires strawberries, but it keeps getting jammed.
Therapist: remember the key to a happy marriage is poise and self-sacrifice.
Me: [writes down poison self; sacrifice] that makes a lot of sense Doc.
[first date]
-so how do you feel about octopus?
Her: I like em
-Whew! [lets other six arms fall out of shirt]
I think my daughter is starting to take a dim view of Santa because she’s asking things like “can the elves leave if they want” and “does he help make toys or does he just sit there”
Okay, you got me, I’m not really a gynecologist. What gave it away? Was it the tongue thing?
Avoid the embarrassment of mispronouncing their name by immediately forgetting their name
responding “ummmm i have a boyfriend” anytime a coworker asks me to do something in my job description
Drop a house on me, so I know it’s real
Hear me out: his and hers houses.
{speed dating}
Me: What handbags can you afford?
for all #parents out there
This coyote won’t let me get close enough to put a sweater on him.
Everyone is fighting a battle you don’t know about. Except for me.
I am complaining loudly about my battle. Everybody knows about it.
prepare for carbonated trouble
HELLO, FIRST TIME CALLER, LONG TIME LISTENER, OCCASIONAL MURDERER.
I ended it after I checked his browser history and found hundreds of video game walk-throughs. Once a cheater, always a cheater.
[pulled over]
Cop: Have you been drinking?
Me: No
Cop: *tosses me a sock* Stand on one foot and put this on
Me: Ohhh, MARITAL arts workshop…now I really feel stupid in this karate outfit.
Wife to therapist: Do you see what I’m dealing with here?
ocean: *waves*
me: *starts to wave back then realize it’s waving at the woman behind me*
[running into my ex while shopping]
Me, under my breath: smooth peanut butter, smh. dodged a bullet there.
Her, to the dolls riding in my cart: hello Cynthia. Anne.
Parents who have allowed your
8 yr olds to become spoiled brats …We’ll check back in 10 years to see
how that worked out for you.
The sign at the zoo said “Please Don’t Touch The Animals” so I put away the book of poetry I was reading to them.
[history class in the year 2120]
teacher: so now let’s discuss america in 2020
students: [collective groan]
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
“and you are November’s PM yes?”
mom: why is your room always so messy
me: so that if someone comes in and tries to kill me, they’ll trip over something and die