genie: are you sure?
me: just do it
*my dog winks and gives me a fist bump for the third time*
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I am upset with my parents for making me exist. u just decided to make a person one day? who’s gonna pay my bills? me? I didn’t ask for this
[my 1st day as spelling bee host]
your word is policy
“can you use it in a sentence”
um i think hes an undercover cop, he looks a bit policy
*at the vet*
me: my new cat won’t stop hissing
vet: ma’am this is a cockroach
me: oh crap. that pet store ripped me off
*first day as a detective*
Partner: Three sets of prints, but only one body
Me: *nods* Yes. That means there’s *counts on fingers* more people that aren’t dead
All semester I got 60% on my tests while sober. Took my final exam drunk and got a 84% on it – University of Wisconsin Parkside
My elbow watching me do a full skin care routine on my face.
My mom used a fire extinguisher on a portobello she was broiling for a sandwich that got too close to the flame. Took it out of the oven, but an hour later forgot about the fire, made the sandwich, ate it, panicked + called. The guy was laughing so hard he couldn’t answer her. 😂
I lost my job as a surgeon.
Apparently, I shouldn’t have left unfinished work over the weekend.
Whenever I take my kids to the zoo I think this is exactly where they belong.
Optometrist: You have 2020 vision.
Me: But my vision sucks.
Optometrist: Exactly.
When you were young, Adele? You’re 28.
Shut the hell up.
Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what parents do.
“Say ur a bad girl”
I’m a bad girl
“oooh yeah, and tell me what bad girls do…”
ooh i’m gonna sign up for 3 months of yoga and only go twice
I didn’t expect to have such strong feelings when the subtitles said smooching while the actors were kissing.
I googled “where do ninjas live?” no results were found.
Well played ninjas. Well played.
I told someone that I’d be happy to set up a meeting with them at their convenience and they scheduled it for 4 o’clock on a Friday so I reported them to HR
I hope my liberal use of made-up words doesn’t make you…discomfortable
I just want to be rich enough to say “that won’t be necessary” when the police go to handcuff me
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
PSA:
Drunks will undercook grilled chicken every single time.
Friends don’t let friends get drunk and grill chicken.
You look so perfect standing there,
In my American Apparel underwear,
But I know now you probably opened the wrong Christmas present grandma
70% of the planet is covered in water yet here I am drowning in bullshit.
The one time I typed “the” correctly autocorrect changed it to tge
Seduce Angela Merkel by fondling the hem of her cardigan while whispering “Aren’t you too pretty to be a Chancellor?”
I took your advice and worked smarter not harder. Now I’m going to need your advice on a good lawyer.
My monster costume for Halloween’s just going to be whispering, “better hope it’s not the poisoned one,” to kids when I hand out candy.
Me: Can I use it for my socials?
Mugshot Photographer: No.
[Work Lunchroom]
Co-worker: Man, remember when we we were poor and used to eat things like Mac n Cheese with hotdog at every meal?
Me: *slowly closing my bag lunch* *nervous chuckle* Haha. Yeah totally.
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
ME: babe i don’t think the acid we dropped is working
GIANT BLUE OX: are you sure