“Look at me at me when I’m talking to you, lady. Oh, no, no, not you, lady. I call my daughter lady. I’m so sorry.”
* me, in public on more than one occasion.
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Me: We’ve been in lockdown for two months now and we’ve simply run out of conversation.
Satan: And that’s why you summoned me?
My wife: Yeh.
Satan:
Me:
My wife: So… how are you?
I just overheard a woman tell her son “We don’t lick other people, it’s gross” and now I’m reevaluating so many choices I’ve made.
HOT SINGLE MUMS IN YOUR AREA ARE LOOKING FOR YOU!
Oh god I hope it’s not another bake sale
April showers bring may flowers. What did the Mayflower bring? Smallpox
Life keeps reminding me that I have no idea what I’m doing
My 4 year old said he wants to go to JFK for some chicken. He won’t be majoring in history.
Warning to ppl who drink & drive, yday while driving, frnd took his arm out to indicate right turn & someone took his beer.
Rascals! #txt
You are the pebble in my shoe of people.
What is a magic bullet?
A. A theory about the assassination of Kennedy.
B. A fancy blender
C. A fancy blender that assassinated Kennedy
Its a little cheesy but holding up a boom box outside her window and blasting the song “Cotton Eye Joe” will win her back everytime
Those three magical words:
“Where’s the plunger?”
Feeling hurt and lonely. My usual Top Chef watch party attendees said they won’t be coming because of social distancing. They’re my cats and they live with me so I’m very confused.
Think I pulled my liver
Just know someone out there is thinking of you, and how to make your death look like an accident.
“To boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What?”
“I said boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What happened to the to?”
“It split.”
I accidentally put my yoga pants on backwards this morning; and I’m absolutely horrified to say, they’ve never fit better.
a fun game to play at the zoo is to walk hurriedly past a person and say “they’ve escaped. don’t run. just walk very fast.”
Just received an email saying: “Want to see Celine Dion live?”
My first thought was that it was a ransom demand.
Apparently showing the pharmacist a picture of my wife was not a good enough reason to get Valium without a prescription.
I hope one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse is single.
Queen: Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: Not exactly ON the wall
King: I said I’d do it at the weekend. Get off my back, Sandra
[FBI raid]
Pig gangster: “Who squealed?”
if she’s your girlfriend why does the mere sight of me make her scream “wow” louder than you ever could
hot panini’s mom is pissed, you guys.
The basketball shot clock was invented in 1954 after a player hid the ball under his shirt for 48 minutes and told everyone he was pregnant.
“Can’t wait to see you this summer” they said
“I’m gonna miss you so much” they said
“Stop quoting me” they said
Word of the day:
Polymer – Noun – A mermaid with three boyfriends.
Boss: you need to take a drug test
Me: not if you want me to do this job
63% of Americans can’t locate the Earth on a globe