To parents entertaining kids during social distancing and quarantine: IF YOU KEEP THEM ALIVE THAT IS SUFFICIENT. Don’t feel guilty if you’re not enriching their souls, teaching them kumihimo & sign language & engaging their spirits. Toss them some fish sticks; they’ll be fine.
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Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
ah, mercury’s going retrograde, that explains why i accidentally squandered my entire youth
HER: how is remote learning going
ME [sadly]: I couldn’t figure it out so I just got up to change the channels
driving is absolutely insane. I’m gonna hop in this metal box and roll around so fast that hitting literally anything might kill me
It puts the lotion in the basket. Then it calls the wife to make sure it’s the right brand so it doesn’t get the hose again.
[Job interview]
Employer: please explain the gap on your resume
Me: what…they were hiring
[New Job Diary]
Day 1: They all seem very ni-SOMEONE TOOK MY LUNCH MY LUNCH IS GONE SOMEONE STOLE MY-oh wait nvm there it i-MY STAPLERS GONE
If all lyrics were as profound as “I got soul, but I’m not a soldier” by The Killers…
5. I got hips, but I’m not a hipster
4. I got toes, but I’m not a toaster
4. I got hooves, but I’m not a hoover
3. I got badge, but I’m not a badger
1. I got meow, but I’m not a homeowner
I forgot the word “retainer” and called my son’s mouthpiece “braces: part 2.”
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses..
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No, I have a bunch more stuff to get, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
My son just choked on food laughing, and I’m torn between being concerned and marvelling that one of my jokes almost literally killed someone.
God: I am the father of humanity.
Human: *changes climate*
God: DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT!
I asked my wife why she was pissed at me and she said “YOU KNOW WHY” and now I’m just keeping my mouth shut until I can narrow it down
I have to devil these eggs and I don’t want to. Where Satan when you need him?
Where does the army of the dead get insanely long chains to pull a dragon? Is there a Walmart north of the wall? #GameOfThrones
Who are we?
CLIENTS!What do we want?
WE DON’T KNOW!When do we want it?
RIGHT NOW!
I’ve cut my fingernails too short and now I can’t open my shower gel. What’s the point of being well-groomed if I can’t smell like mangos?
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
Netflix suggested I watch my kids.
Took my son to see Spider-Man this weekend and he cried because I wouldn’t let him wear his costume because it was too cold. Plus, it was my turn.
[Adopts emotional support dog]
Me: *Vents*
Dog: Runs away*
She said she liked it doggy style…
…but when I threw the frisbee, she didn’t even budge.
I don’t like to brag, but I don’t need it to be Friday the 13th in order to murder someone.
[me adjusting paintball mask] it’s too bad we aren’t on the same team
date: yeah
*holds seashell to ear* new shell who dis
People always tell me to act my age so I bought expensive cheese.
I shower with a suicide note in case I slip and die, at least I can make it look intentional instead of stupid.
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
Good morning, a spider’s favorite music app is Spotafly and your day can only get better from this joke forward Happy Thursday