people get sad when a bird flys into a window but when i do it its a big hassle
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Just send him 60 texts explaining how you understand he needs his alone time.
Tomorrow is the 4th of July which means one thing, it’s going to be a really big day for nail art Instagram photos.
Ok hear me out ….A smoke detector that turns off when you scream “I’m only cooking “
pilot: we’re approaching 30,000 feet
me, looking out window nervously: what are they doing up here
[about to climb Mt. Everest]
Me: omg is there no parking ?
So anyway, my mom and all her opinions are visiting this weekend
Please don’t interrupt me when I’m trying to overhear something.
I hate when people can’t let go of the past.
Debt collectors are the worst.
[speed dating]
HER: I guess I’m just looking for someone who’s like my father
ME [trying to impress]: a bunny’s favorite music is hip hop
I support Greenpeace because I care about environmental activism, just not enough to do any of the real work myself.
Judge: So, you maintain that he took advantage of you?
Her: Yes Your Honor!
Judge: When did you realize this?
Her: When his check bounced
Shrek + Akira = Shakira???
me: son, you’re adopted
son: WHAT
me: no no it’s a good thing, it means we actually wanted you
daughter: WHAT
Think I pulled my liver
nobody, nobody, nobody likes the guy who’s suspiciously knowledgeable about age of consent laws
Eating a takeout salad alone in your car can feel depressing, but not if you fully commit to the backstory that you’re a detective on a stakeout.
“Two messages, Sir. First, your tea has run out”
“Correct English is ‘you’ve run out of tea’. What else?”
“You’ve walked out of wife”
white people be like “omg i saw this hack on tiktok” and it’s just adding salt and pepper to their chicken
Convinced my kid her harmonica didn’t work because the instructions were missing.
I made a bacon sandwich this morning then managed to drop it on my white t-shirt. Luckily nobody was using the washing machine. That’s where I keep my emergency bacon.
The lion king: 🎶it’s the circle of life!
The lyin king: so yeah he just fell off that cliff
My kid : mum lets buy something we can play together – skipping rope?
Me *buys snakes and ladders board game*
Thank goodness I’m loud and obnoxious all the time, so my family can’t blame it on the alcohol.
I’m sorry I used your Diva Cups to quarantine my sea monkeys.
Our homeschooling curriculum includes: Honors Laundry and AP Vaccumming.
Me: Let’s get married secretly, and not tell anybody!
Her: Yea, but what if we have a baby?
Me: Well, we’ll tell the baby…
How do you tell your spouse you were fired from SpaghettiOs for honoring Pearl Harbor Day with a smiling cartoon noodle holding a flag?
When I was a kid there were two sure ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
lawyer: I haven’t won a case since last year’s hearing loss.
me: what was the hearing for?
lawyer: WHAT?
me: the hearing.
lawyer: WHAT?
Happened to go back & look at my most recent review at work, where my manager literally wrote “you go above, and beyond, attending meetings even on your days off, and you’re an excellent team player” and then marked it as meets expectations!
I’m about to be so unsatisfactory 🖕🏻