If your therapist thinks your alien abduction stories make you sound delusional, just wait till they hear about your TC.
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“Be the change you want to see in the world. ”
Me: Cool, can I be a 10 and two 5’s?
DATE: So tell me something about yourself
ME: I like to call frozen burgers ‘brrrgers’
HER: I need to see other people
Apparently, it’s considered bad form to bring their luggage to the graduation ceremony.
He has notifications on for me pray for his phone
People: Coronavirus is the worst thing that could have happened in 2020.
Murder hornets: Hold my stinger.
I am just a boy, standing in front of a milkshake, wondering by what sorcery it beckoned me to this yard
Just getting romantic with the wife when our slow cooker set off our smoke alarm so yes, I was crock blocked.
Life is short. Beat it up and steal its lunch money.
Whenever I’m facing a moral dilemma, I think of the advice my father gave me.
“Never leave a paper trail,” he’d say, tapping the glass partition between us for emphasis.
A kid at the park is wearing a Joker shirt, I am going to slowly take my coat off revealing my Batman T and shit is about to get real.
I don’t mean to brag but my stalker has OCD so he trims my bushes while he’s hiding in them waiting for me to get home.
The creepiest thing about spiders is their sexual attraction to spiders.
On your first day in jail, when they ask you what you’re in there for, say “the food” so all the other prisoners know you’re a loose cannon.
My son wanted to know what it was like to be a parent.
So I woke him at 2am to tell him my sock came off.
If you’re smuggling booze into a concert, put the bottle under a handful of tampons and go to the young male bag checker. they get embarrassed and immediately close your bag. works every time — even more so if you’re a dude
[during sex]
ME: I’m Italian, how about you?
HER: Finnish
ME: Ok sure just give me a second
My refrigerator died. In lieu of flowers, a new fridge would be nice.
You never realize how many people you just don’t like until you try to name a baby
The woman selling sea shells by the sea shore must have had a strong personal brand to overcome such a poor business model.
Reading in public is so embarrassing. How thirsty are you for knowledge, bro?
Her: but why aren’t the candles ON the cake?
Me: it’s not a birthday cake, Denise. it’s a summoning tart.
Waking up would be much easier if I didn’t have to do it so many days in a row.
me: whats wrong with this harmonica
cop: thats a breathalyzer
When you’re not sure if people keep waving at you you might need to ease up on the hellocinogens
With the rise in grocery prices my cashier now asks if I’m ready before giving me the total, the answer is always no but I appreciate his sensitivity
For valentine’s day, I’m taking my wife to see “50 Shades”.
How long is the movie? I need to know what time to pick her up.
me: tries to sleep.
clock: i think i’m going to karaoke in Morse code now.
GMO bananas: turn brown for what?
Obviously, it would be hugely childish & wrong to chuckle at Linus & Florian, the backbone of Germany’s hockey team.
You, watching House Hunters: this is ridiculous
Me, a house hunter: [squatting low to the ground, sniffing house dung] a bungalow is nearby