I have a book called Overcoming Procrastination that I bought in 2003 that I’ve never read
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I have never been more inspired by anything than this work of art
Those turkeys presidents pardon? HUGE campaign donors.
Getting home and realizing my sister took all of the peanut clusters is the biggest Christmas double-cross there has ever been. I bet she got in her car, laughing, and just started driving for the coast
If I ever go to prison I will immediately go up to the biggest person and tickle them.
[treading water in the ocean with my pet porcupine]
Me: we’ll just have to find another life raft, Jabby
After 3 disastrous surgeries I said that’s it no more pretending to be a doctor.
“you changed” yeah i thought 3 days in the same outfit was kinda pushing it
My brain when I’m up late googling rare & incurable genetic diseases:
yes yes yesyes
yesyes yes yes yes
yes yes yes yes yes
yes yesyes yes yes
yes yesye yes yes
yes yes yesyes
MY PARENTS ARE OUT OF TOWN SO I CAN FINALLY WINK AT THE CAT AS MUCH AS I WANT
“My uncle died from mineral exposure.”
“Barium?”
“No. We had him cremated.”
My wife’s driver license should say “Brain Donor” because she gives me a piece of her mind daily.
[interrogation]
Cop: what were you doing last nite?
Me: I was killin my neighbour, Bert
Cop: louder for the tape please
Me [leaning in]: I was filling in paperwork. I’m a busy guy
Me – That’s the second First Baptist Church I’ve seen today.
Wife – OK?
M – One of them is lying.
W – You can’t ever shut it off can you?
good morning to every english teacher who woke up this morning like “today’s the day I assign a short story that will haunt them till the day they die”
The joy you get as a parent when you buy a big pizza and garlic bread to share, but they don’t like it! 😍😍
My Nephew called me ‘lazy’ when I took him shopping in Morrisons today.
I was so shocked I nearly fell out the trolley.
Text your husband “I know your secret” and he’ll bring you home so many awesome presents!
You don’t even need to know what the secret is!
My mom always has these great sayings for life, like “Don’t count your chickens before they hatch” and “Everybody hates you.”
Weird how tea bags come with that little fuse sticking out of them—I’ve lit hundreds of them over the years but only a handful have ever exploded
“Oh I would do anything for cash,
But I won’t do that”– my kids, Meat Loafing me when I ask them to do their chores
Taught my dog to shake hands and he just brokered a suspicious deal with our local union rep.
You don’t scare me, you’re not my ID photo.
Is everything ok, babe? You haven’t even touched your eppe
Me: why aren’t you studying?
My kid: I didn’t see you coming.
Still waiting for the day I can illegally download groceries
Toy designer: a remote control car that’s rechargeable!
Executive: But how will we still make this awkward for parents who buy them for their kids?
TD: oh.. we’ll just make it so you still need batteries for the controller
I PASSED THE BAR!
On the way to work and I didn’t go in! Yay me!
A gentleman always straightens out the vending machine after shaking it.
I peed on my neighbors shrubs one time and he installs cameras, one time.
I’m here!
– Me, excitedly lining up all of my gourmet peanut butters just before my disappointing first meeting at Toastmasters