If people love cheese so much, why are they mad when someone smells like cheese.
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-911 what’s your emergency?
-People are pronouncing it EX-presso.
[unleashes dog at dog park]
me: don’t embarrass me now
dog: i won’t*sees pretty girl*
me: hi, i’m–
dog: he drinks wine through a straw
The lady walking ahead of me sped up so I did, she began running so I did, she screamed so I did. I never even saw what we were running from
[first day as a pharmacist]
ME: Where are all the animals?
Me- WHOA, let me Google that for ya
CW- Google what?
* (types)why is my CW an annoying dipshit
* makes eye contact
*slow presses enter
You want to make them feel welcome but not so much that they’d want to come back any time too soon.
Socialising is hard.
My electric kettle got broken so I had to make tea using my acoustic kettle.
My wife hates snakes. But if they sold snakes at Target, we’d probably have a few snakes.
I wish I loved anything as much as my two year old loves pulling my pants down.
Below Deck sounds like a way of discreetly describing a condition to my doc
Last night my son gave me a dollar and told me I was a “good guy” and I think he might be in the mob now
[first date]
Adam: *puts phone face down on the table* hey
Eve: interesting, are you afraid I’ll see a text from another woman
Adam: *rubbing the bridge of his nose* how could that even be possible
ROLLERCOASTER ATTENDANT: Please remain seated in the cars. No standing.
ME (already decapitated):
Everyone’s “the nicest guy in the world” until the police are in the backyard digging up 17 bodies.
My husband: JUST TRUST ME
Me: Uhh you wanted to name both of our kids Atomic
Me: I think my back is hurt, I can barely get out of bed.
14: Oh that’s too bad. Can you take me to get an iced coffee?
Heard my mom tell my dad to “stop tossing her salad” at the dinner table and now I can’t look at either one of them without laughing…
Don’t you wish it was as easy to adjust the brightness level on people as it is on your phone?
Wow so when Joe Biden and Jill Biden sleep in the same bedroom, it’s cute, but when I do it, secret service arrests me for trespassing in the White House.
Is it because I’m brown??
I’m pitching a show called “Walking Dad” where dads go around biting each other and then the people who get bitten become dads too.
I took my 8-year-old to the office on Take Your Child to Work Day. As we were walking around, she starting crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong. As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with?’ 🤣
trainer: how long can you plank?
me: I pretty much planked after high school tbh
House Hunters:
“Well I gotta be near the beach. A heliport would be a plus. I need 9 bedrooms, an IMAX theater & a moat. My budget is $314.”
The Mastodon crowd doesn’t care for me much. Pretty sure it’s my cologne.
[ad for milk]
give your Skeleton strength for the war to come
I guess I didn’t lobby hard enough to make extroduce the word of the year.
Me: You just had a bath, please stay clean
My 4-year-old:
Birds: but doesn’t the blood rush to-
Bats: pnq ǝɹǝɥ dǝǝls oʇ ƃuᴉʎɹʇ ǝɹ,ǝʍ
ufo crew: why are we hovering?
ufo captain: i wanna pet those dogs
ufo crew: why not land?
ufo cap: those talking monkeys are annoying af
Telepathy
“Huh?”
Telepathy
“Ok…let’s move on. What—”
Telepathy
“Please stop interrupting! What are your strengths?”
*rolls eyes* Telepathy