Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
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Little straws like capri sun but for Taco Bell hot sauce packets.
Need tips on making something look like an accident.
*Gets arrested for making prank phone calls
[At Police Station]
“You can make one phone call”
*Dials random #
“Is your fridge running?”
I’m an independent thinker. The guy on YouTube that I have based my entire life around told me so
[cranking up the heat on my slow cooker]
Me: *whispers* slow cook it faster
[at olive garden]
waiter: welcome to the garden, what’ll it be
me: olives
waiter: ok
My husband just walked in, told the dog how cute he is, and how much he loves him. Held his face in his hands, stared into his eyes, and gave him forehead kisses. Then left the room.
I’m sitting right next to the dog.
After years of commercials, I still have no idea what a Go Daddy is
Me: can I start calling him 3.5 yet?
Wife: do you even know his name anymore?
Me: yes wife of course I know his name.
I didn’t even know this was an option. Considering it.
Never forget when I saw CHILD’S PLAY (2019) at a drive in theater on a screen directly next to the one playing TOY STORY 4 and the pure horror on the kids faces when they would look over and see the toys absolute BUTCHERING people
Me: NOT THIS TIME
Kids: *already running away with my pants*
Someone: wanna hear something interesting?
Anxiety: for the love of God say no SAY NO
Me: sure
Anxiety: you brought this on yourself
God’s son died single, but he’ll help you find your match on Christian Mingle.
I’m not saying it rains a lot in the UK, but I am amazed we don’t get more medieval-style terrified by the occasional snatched glimpses of a giant ball of fire in the sky.
If you get pulled over by a cop, the smartest thing you can do is try and say “license and registration” at the same time he does and call “jinx” so he can’t say anything else.
When I refer to old relatives passing away I never say “RIP” because I don’t wants them to rest. I want them to Zumba.
Thanks for suggestions Coca Cola, but I only share my coke with Jack
[reading of my will]
My son: his shoes!?
Lawyer: he instructs me to say you are his sole heir I’m so sorry
Guys, I gotta run. I left the fire place video streaming.
I NEED TO GET BACK TO THE OLD ME WHEN I HAD MY SHIT TOGETHER. I THINK I WAS 7.
Her: I bought a wireless bra today.
Him: What’s the password?
BILBO: *Blows smoke ring*
GANDALF: *Blows smoke ship that goes through smoke ring*
BILBO: It’s okay to just let some things be about other people.
Nothing prepares you for how difficult it is to obtain a loan for a giraffe
I spend a lot of time looking at new recipes for someone who regularly burns instant noodles
[me, in front of the firing squad] are you mad at me
Hate your job as a calendar maker?Need a way to get fired? Easy.
( •_•)
( •_•)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
Just take a day off
So #Scaramucci lands a job, gets his boss fired, has a baby, gets a divorce, and is fired in the same week? Sounds like a Seinfeld episode.
“This syrup tastes funny…”
-Me, drunk, putting soy sauce on my pancakes