Oooh honey, you were amazing last night. Can we do that again tonight?
Him: “… I slept on the couch.”
Mmmm yeahh
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me: lol you only hurt the ones you love
murderer: OMG shut up
My mom loves telling people that I practically raised myself. I used to think she was proud of my independence, but now I realize she’s been distancing herself from blame.
My daughter’s birthday wishlist this year can only be deciphered by a much, much richer man.
[eulogy]
My dear wife spent her life turning up the thermostat. I think she would have been thrilled that I had her cremated.
*opens drawer* huh, I don’t remember this shirt being pink. OMG…did he…did he do laundry? *slowly opens 2nd drawer*
-Law & Order sound
Her: *5 paragraphs of text
Me: 👍
Me: Is this birdcage made out of nickel?
Pet Store: Aluminum I think
Me: So there’s no nickel in this cage?
Pet Store: Don’t you dare!
Me: It’s a nickleless cage
Pet Store: GET OUT!
bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh sorry, 2 minutes down the road
Being an adult on the internet is weird because you’ll see a trending article with a headline like, “Here’s a picture of what money looked like before Venmo!”
[Job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Who closes the door when the bus driver gets off the bus?
Interviewer: Holy shit
i can’t wait that long
Relations at the bird feeder have been strained since the experimental millet blend.
Apparently when you donate blood, it has to be YOUR blood.
AOL was hacked yesterday so watch out for spam email that looks like it came from 1995.
The best part about pooping with the door open is seeing the faces of everyone in the elevator.
One day i’ll figure out how many seconds you can be nice to a cat before it tries to kill you…. today was not that day
Doctor: so what type of birth control are you using?
Me: my appearance
Stop having all the sex, what if we run out
Take my daughter once, shame on you. Take her twice, shame on me. Take her 3 times, and you’re ruining the franchise.
Cop: You were going 30 over the speed limit
Me: Are you sure about that?
*gives him a handful of Cheez-Its*
Cop: Have a nice day, sir.
The sign at the zoo said “Please Don’t Touch The Animals” so I put away the book of poetry I was reading to them.
Just got to our Airbnb!
i either just registered my car online or i’m licensed to import rare birds now
I’m no sadist. Some of my best friends are sad.
“Sexy role play.. I’ll be a dentist.”
“I’m here for my appointment”
“Did you book in with Karen first?”
“No?”
“Please leave, I’m very busy.”
*lets out a blood curdling scream* HELP MY BLOOD IS CURDLING
Don’t sell yourself short, in fact, don’t sell yourself at all. I’m pretty sure it’s illegal
[planning heist]
leader: the security guard will take his break from 3:15 to 3:30 so that’s when you will-[notices my disapproving expression] what?
me: that’s when I take my break too tho
What do you call a denim expert?
A jeanius.