Him: I’m leaving you.
Me: [can’t hear him because I’m trying to breakdance in my bubble wrap suit]
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[sees kid crying in the mall]
“What’s wrong?”
“I’m lost.”
“You’re in the mall you little idiot.”
Don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day. I repeat, don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day.
You can lead a horse to water and if he walks on it congratulations you found horse jesus.
My haters can’t stand that instead of a sink I just have a drawer full of water
You lost your phone and it is on silent?
Too bad. If you liked it you should have put a ring on it.
It’s weird how horses can run so fast but still suck at every other sport.
[apiary]
ME: Are you the beekeeper?
BEEKEEPER: Yup
ME: Can I get some?
BEEKEEPER: Nope
ME: Is it because you k—
BEEKEEPER: I keep them
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: my wife left me for some guy at that rental car company
FRIEND: hertz?
ME: yeah [holding back tears] it really does
Body: I’m sooooooo tired
Brain: WHAT IF DINOSAURS HAD ASSAULT RIFLES
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because its hard to have fun when you might shit your pants
Safari is a fancy word for voluntarily putting yourself at the bottom of the food chain
Someone at this party is wearing the same shirt as me. It’s very awkward. How did this happen. We barely even fit in this shirt.
This Election is the most math I’ve done in a long time.
I’m by far not the best person but by far the worst thing I’ve ever done is accidentally touch the mailman through my house’s mail slot. I have never before heard the sort of noise he made after reaching into what he hoped was the cold embrace of a mail slot and finding a hand.
Fridge smart enough to tell me l left the door open but too lаzy to just close it for me. Worthless.
Being a woman means owning ten bras. One you wear six days a week. One is on emergency reserve in case you have to leave the house on laundry day. And the rest exist to take up space in your already overstuffed underwear drawer.
Breaking: New torture report reveals CIA use of Facebook Year In Review videos.
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
DR DOG: It says you’re here for a blood test. First, some questions. Number one: over the last six months who’s been a good boy?
It’s entirely possible the recipe didn’t say burn it on the outside, undercook it on the inside and aim for a large dip in the middle but here we are
I don’t have kids or a dog. What can I bring into a bar that will make everyone mad?
The partisan media is ONCE AGAIN twisting my words, so let me make this perfectly clear: I am NOT a little teapot. The video clips being circulating showing me stamping my feet and repeatedly insisting that I AM a little teapot have been taken out of context.
In the event of a global sauce packet shortage, my junk drawer will reign supreme.
I don’t need a partner in crime, I got this shit.
I may however need an alibi.
LIBERAL PARENTS REFUSE TO GIVE NAUGHTY TEEN COAL:
“fossils fuels cause global warming”
“billy woke up to solar panels in his stocking”
Why do people always talk in absolutes? I would never do that. It’s the worst.
You can strip us of our rights,
our dignity and our freedom but know this; we will NEVER stop correcting your grammar.
me: i am not a religious person i prefer to use science as my basis for belief
also me: potato chips taste different when you open the bag from the bottom
The best thing I ever did was install a fake doorbell.
Now no one ever knocks on my door.
Me, 5 minutes into the zombie apocalypse: Fresh brains here, come and get your brains!