Are racist people like “ugh, my open minded uncle is going to be at Thanksgiving this year.”
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My husband and I had a few cocktails while we were out shopping and don’t remember what we bought the kids. I’m so excited to see what we got them on Christmas morning.
yes yes space rockets but who is working on the technology where I can microwave my whole lean cuisine without having to take it out after a minute to stir the pasta section and then put it back in
*third date, back at my place*
me: this is my cat, Meowchelle Obama. you should have seen the cold shoulder she gave me when i brought Meowlania Trump home from the shelt… HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
In case you’re considering having kids, I’ve been awake since sunrise trying to fulfill breakfast requests of: 1. Pancakes 2. Pizza 3. Green
I fed my dogs spaghetti so they could kiss, but instead they’re growling over a cold meatball and not sitting still for my painting.
By the time he entered rehab, Popeye was more spinach than sailor man.
[doorbell]
“Sir, do you believe Jesus died for your sins?”
“No.”
“Why not?”
“He died like 2000 years ago.”
“So?”
“I’m 46. Do the math.”
[touring beyonce’s house]
me: *taking off my shoes* when do they inflate it
5: Daddy, can we go get ice cream?
Me: I don’t see why not.
5: Mommy said I couldn’t.
M: Hey, there’s the why not.
Me: But Halloween is the one day a year you get to be anybody you want
Jury at my Identify Theft Trial: [impressed whispering]
as a teen did you ever steal your moms booze and fill it back up with water, or steal money out of her purse and fill it back up with water
Son: I thought about asking if you wanted a Klondike bar at 2 am.
Me: Why didn’t you ask?
S: I heard you snoring and didn’t want to wake you.
M: You can wake me any time, especially if it’s about ice cream.10 minutes later:
Me: So… I snore??
[party]
me: ugh who invited that guy, he’s so childishher: he’s 7 and it’s his birthday
Why would Sally sell seashells by the seashore? There are plenty there that are free. Just walk and you are bound to find at least 40. Idiot
Sarah Ross, on Facebook, handed out full-size candy bars. She also put a potato in the bowl. 🥔
throwback to when the car insurance lady asked my mom for front, rear, & side views but she didn’t get the memo..
Boss: And you’re not showing the new people around until you stop referring to the washroom as “where the magic happens”
Lassie once told me a boy fell down a well, but since no one else can speak dog I ignored it because I was building a furniture fort.
Hot single narcissists in your area want to be rude to you and then pretend nothing happened.
Going to be the corpse found at the lowest elevation of Everest ever, like by the parking lot
💻🤡
Vodka giveth and vodka taketh away…
It giveth me a hangover and taketh away my underpants.
Amen.
i dont simply go through airport security. i have a goal. i want everyone in line to be blown away by my efficiency. i want to be celebrated as i push my belongings across the table. i want TSA to offer me a job (i’ll decline). i want people talking about me at their gate. glory.
if i owned a bakery, i’d call it That’s How We Roll or Piece of Cake or Nothing’s Awry or We Enable Cookies or We’re Not Sour, Doh! or Torte Reformed or
Whatever happened to that little girl from The Ring, did she grow up to be Kristen Stewart?
Me: I absolutely cannot take a cop in shorts seriously.
Him: Sorry ma’am but I’m still going to have to ask you to come with me.
Me: Haha OK
Dear Diary,
I went back to the gym for the first time since before the holidays today. Struggling to remember what it is I’m supposed to do here. I took a bite out of a dumbbell and that wasn’t right, but I’m close. I can feel it.
I only sleep on one side of my bed because the clean laundry sleeps on the other.
[at Subway]
Them: What kind of cheese?
Me: Surprise me.[at home]
Netflix: 🔀 Surprise Me?
Me: Not Today Satan.
Eggs come out of the carton left to right, buddy. Not all willy-nilly like some crazy person who hates America.