her: my parents are gone 😉
liam neeson: ok when did u see them last
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A Spanish friend working in UK happily for years reply to taunts re being kicked out: “Well, I can choose 27 other countries; you can’t”
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: *pulls laminated card out & hands it to him*
Card: “My over-preparedness.”
Wife: How many beers is that for you today, dear?
Me: Like 4 maybe. 5 tops.
Wife: I counted 19.
Me: Well I rounded down.
People who live in Lego houses should not walk around without shoes.
Each time I use an exclamation point, I feel as if I’m shooting my sentence out of a t-shirt cannon.
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
im like a onion. peel back the layers and u’ll see that deep down inside im just a smaller more afraid onion
12 called me when he was out last week. i answered and he seriously goes “hi. this is seth. your son”. does he already think i have dementia? or worse..DO I AND I DON’T KNOW IT?
If your tweet gets stolen and posted on Facebook…
It’s your own fault for not making it offensive enough!
My wedding vows were until death do us part. Yet nowhere did they specify cause of death…
[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me, sweating: You finally found out I took my third grade teacher’s eraser without permission?
Cop:
Me:
Cop: Speeding
Me: Oh phew!
When I die, I want people to think back lovingly about me and say “oh, I thought she was already dead”
My ex got engaged at Christmas but apparently responding to the news with “LOL” is “a representation of everything that is wrong with me.”
CNN: We’re not sure but we’ll report it anyway.
A fun thing to do would be to eat rat poison during a dinner party & then, when you die, they’ll blame the host’s cooking. Lol.
Alec Baldwin always sounds like he’s trying to have an intense conversation in a public library.
me: you hear old macdonald’s farm got replaced by artificial intelligence?
him: AI?
me: AI
him: oh
In Japanese, a cat sitting compactly with all its legs pulled in under its body is affectionately known as KŌBAKO-ZUWARI—or ‘sitting like an incense box’. The English equivalent is a CATLOAF.
I always yell “FORE” when I’m throwing golf clubs out of my car at joggers.
My washing machine shakes so much it moves across the floor and I’m pretty sure it’s trying to escape because I work it too hard
“Go ahead caller”
Why radio DJ’s should never work a suicide hotline…
Me, performing surgery:[stops midway and sticks both of my hands out to see which one is L-shaped for “left” ]
The downside to posting jokes all the time is that if I tweeted “Help, I am in an Iranian prison” everyone would be like “haha good one”
Me: You know what they say, “sticks and stones may break my bones-“
Doctor: Yes that’s exactly what happened.
Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
Autocorrect changed ‘spice things up’ to ‘slice things up’ and now my husband won’t come to bed.
Little Old Lady: i want to put my house on the market
Realtor: ok, where is it?
Little Old Lady: um, right here
Realtor: thats… *sighs* thats a shoe
Little Old Lady: it’s my home
Realtor: do you at least have the other shoe?
Little Old Lady: i cant even afford this one
If you could have dinner with any person, living or dead what Arby’s would you go to?
It’s been four days since I started this rap battle. I’m tired and just want to see my family.