I went to the feed store for dog food and came back with 5 baby chickens.
I shouldn’t be allowed to have grownup money
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Her: You ate that banana so fast, I don’t even think you took the sticker off the peel.
Me: Peel?
20/__ — Cyclops with perfect vision
You, watching House Hunters: this is ridiculous
Me, a house hunter: [squatting low to the ground, sniffing house dung] a bungalow is nearby
Oh to be a house cat and simply slap the shit out of anything in front of me that I do not understand
*seductively feeding you chicken wings while you hit on a hot chick
“I’m sorry, I really don’t know what a wingman is supposed to do.”
Me, whispering to myself: When it’s time to party, we will always party hard.
Anytime someone throws a Great Gatsby themed party, I have to assume they never finished the book.
Why, as a hair, would you even wanna be ingrown. Like why are you doing that???
Smoking will kill you. Bacon is bad for you.
But smoking bacon will cure it.
Someone cut me off and I gave them the finger and my 7yo asked what it means so I said “it means you can go ahead of me” so you can guess what happened at school line up yesterday
Me, Playing Twister
10: I win again!
20: Let’s play naked!
35: The dots seem farther apart.
45: I need to go to the ER.
“I will not have my voice silenced! This is censorship! This is against the constitution!”
“But sir. This is a library.”
[sequel to Thor Ragnarok]
ME: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* Four for Thor 4 at 4:44, por favor
CINEMA GUY: *for the 6th time this week* Please stop doing this
just saw a bunch of tourists take a selfie with a bunch of cops. this is why we must ban tourism
Pro tip: if you have a student’s mother email you for a grade change have your mother respond to it.
Fight 🔥 with 🔥
This guy texting in metro besides me keeps covering his phone, like I care about his dinner plans in CP with his girlfrnd “Shona baby”
Women wanted him, men wanted to be him, geese were skeptical
Hitlers gonna hitl
[hit & run crime scene]
me: judging from the treads, it looks like the perp deliberately swerved into the viccop: sir, you can keep referring to yourself in the 3rd person but we have you on tape leaving the scene AND returning
me: criminals, when will they ever learn amirite?
Hostage: [screaming]
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: [still trying to find the beginning of the tape on the roll]
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Look at this Back to School Countdown Calendar I’ve created. EVERYBODY GETS ONE!
Inside you there are two wolves. One wants wings. The other also wants wings but remembers how their stomach felt after eating wings
You shouldn’t sneak up on me like that, it’s rude!
Cop –
So ! Technically it’s YOUR fault I was speeding, because I didn’t see you
Ladies. Even the most mundane chore is better in a Princess Leia costume.
Perfect
Watch my hands when I say “latitude” or “longitude.” It’s as much for my benefit as yours.
The only indoor security camera that I have is inside my fridge, I want to capture the face of whoever steals my cheesecake.
People at HIIT class who warm up before the trainer starts the warm up how warm do you really need to be?
[Being chased by killer]
Me: *Frantically tries to finish my Amazon order*