stacking up 8 sneezes so I can blow them all at once
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Saw lady reading my book & was gonna say hi but I’m wearing the same shirt as in author photo & didn’t want her to think I only had 1 shirt.
I just bought ibuprofen from Costco so if anyone has any aches or pains, I can help 16,000 of you
friend: which is more important, honesty or loyalty?
me: whichever one makes this conversation end
ME: *training a street fighter* Show your enemy no quarter.
THEM: It’s an arcade game tournament.
ME: Show your enemy two quarters.
[at quick clinic]
Nurse: (sarcastically) Is it okay if I check your temperature?
Me: Come on, I can’t be the only person that’s refused to be weighed.
As I was lovingly tucking in my 5yo, I told her I loved her and she responded with, “You’ve been a great mommy….so far.”
I JUST CANT LOOK ITS KILLING ME
ME: *robbing bank* More like, I’m BANKing on you not tripping the alarm! Haha!
TELLER: Haha!
COPS: *tackling me from behind* Haha!
Me: [from table] garćon! *claps hands* another round for my date and me.
McDonald’s cashier: sir, you have to come to the counter to order
DAUGHTER: can I have a snack?
ME: [clearly making dinner] no, I’m making dinner right now.
DAUGHTER: but I’m hungry!!
ME:
Never sell a golf club on Facebook to someone from East Kilbride!
ME: why is my son failing
TEACHER: just because u gave him that name doesnt mean he’ll be intelligent
ME: [gasping] cover ur ears Smartboy
Where can I buy a purebred chupacabra on short notice?
He’s mysterious like the fish in gas station sushi
It still pisses me off that teachers gave us shit about paying attention and then had to take attendance to see if one of their kids was missing
Leg day is just a fake day invented by Big Leg to sell more leg
Doctor: I got your test results back from the lab and I have some bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: by the time I got them back he had chewed them up pretty bad
Sliding my tongue in every hole not breaking eye contact with deli clerk is why they kicked me out & won’t let me buy Swiss cheese anymore.
Apart from “life is short” what other lines do you use before making bad decisions?
I think the Ice Bucket Challenge is a giant waste of water *falls asleep in the shower for 2 hours*
Husband: It’s so weird that the kids didn’t get any Twix or Reece’s Peanut Butter Cups for Halloween.
Me: *wipes the chocolate from my mouth* So weird.
*at a shower
Our next game is using a roll of toilet paper to dress her in a death shroud.
[friend whispers to me]
Sorry. Wedding dress.
I was 14 before I realized that banana peels and anvils weren’t America’s leading causes of death.
If you’re still trying to decide on your plans for Easter weekend, ask yourself “What would Jesus do?” and definitely don’t do that.
*hurls Scrabble board at you*
[uses your words against you]
What has 15 actors, 4 settings, 2 writers and 1 plot line?
632 Hallmark Christmas movies.
I know a horrible idea when I see it.
Taking phone security to the next level.
For a cat named Jingles, his tambourine accompaniment to my blistering bongo solo isn’t that impressive.