When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
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[Job interview]
Employer: please explain the gap on your resume
Me: what…they were hiring
They say if you love something set it free so am I supposed to just leave the front door open or do I drop my kids at the park or something?
barbie’s story is actually so sad like her parents left her with her 3 sisters and she had to take up 200 jobs to take care of them then on top of that her boyfriend is gay and won’t get a job
I told my 5yo we weren’t going to read an extra story at bedtime so in protest he took his pillow and a blanket and went to sleep in my laundry basket filled with clothes. I wish I was making this up.
I’m surprised Cinderella didn’t become a psycho killer because I’ve seen some bitches go batshit crazy when they’ve lost a shoe.
I keep forgetting my passwords so I changed them all to one that’s super easy for me to remember:
InsufficientFundsContactYourBank00.00
*Runs across campus to get to class on time*
Whew! I made it!
*Sits in the back and browses Twitter for an hour and a half*
*looks out the window, sees bubonic plague is back*
Mondays, amirite?
For someone I’ve had to physically restrain from eating dog shit, my son is awfully particular about which grapes he’s going to eat.
Invention of the hug:
“You look sad. Let me choke your whole body”
4 y/o: how does Santa go to everyone’s house in one night
me: warp speed
4 y/o: warp speed isn’t real
me: neither is Santa go to sleep
HER: (seductively) Is it true what they say about guys with big shoes?
CLOWN: They hide under people’s beds and murder them?
I’m sick and my son just brought me tea and said let me know if you need anything else my queen so I bumped him up in the will and gave him ice cream for dinner.
“We all have two lives. The second begins when you realize you only have one.”
~ Tom Hiddleston
I’ve never texted someone to let them know I made it home safe. Shoulda come with me if you wanted details
I miss making out in public and making people feel uncomfortable
I’m not taking the Democrat convention seriously until someone starts talking to a table.
There is no day that can’t be improved by seeing pictures of how they weigh an owl.
Wife: you are the wind beneath my wings
Me: [spraying air freshener] sorry
“Read ’em and weep” I say as I lay down my hand: a collection of my grandparent’s handwritten love letters from WWII.
*pokes forehead*
Is this thing on ?
COME ON KRUSE #fencing
[being murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
Nerds were always ugly or goofy looking. Then from nowhere emerged the hot girl nerd and the limitations of Nerdom crumpled before our eyes.
Aliens: take me to your leader
Me: Hey babe, is it okay if we have company?
If you ever need to find evidence to prove someone’s guilt or innocence, always check the pudding first.
Dear people filming disasters : You need to zoom out before running for your lives.
Nobody likes blurry footage, you selfish animals.
Me: *interviewing a potential coworker*: why did you leave your previous job?
Him: I was fired
Me: what for?
Him: I knocked my boss out
Me: How fast can you join?
thanks auntie mary