“Hi, how much for a slice of pizza?”
A slice is $2.50, and second slice only $1.
“I’d like 3 second slices please”
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*at skatepark with my 7yr old nephew*
Random Mom: Cute kid!
Me: Oh thank u so much
Random Mom: Who’s the dad?
Me: My brother
Random Mom: *weird look**hours later*
Me: oh SHIT
God: you’re a decapod.
Crab: what does that mean?
God: it means you have 10 legs.
Crab: b-but that’s too many legs.
God: at least you don’t have a hundred.
Crab: why would someone have a hundred legs?
Centipede: yes God why would someone have a hundred legs?
Few people realize that before they were domesticated, the wild vacuum cleaner was the only natural predator of wolves…
Hence, dogs instinctive reaction to them today.
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
Police officer: Ma’am do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I’m just as confused as you are.
Having kids hasn’t stopped us from doing anything we used to do.
We still do the same stuff, it’s just ruined.
One of the perks of marriage is having someone around to let you know which normal things from your childhood were actually very very weird
My 3yo just straight-faced handed me a mirror and asked if I wanted to see something yucky!
One of my headlights is messed up and I have to give it a smack to turn it on so it’s kinda like dating.
5 grabbed the rest of my sandwich and said, “Don’t mind if I do!” and walked away.
I’d be mad if I wasn’t so impressed with his confidence.
Him: What’re you eating?
Me: All of it.
Ooh, sorry, I totally misunderstood what you meant by “Come at me, bro”.
I’ll get you a towel.
literally so stressful to bag your own groceries in front of a trader joes employee. like playing basketball in front of lebron. please can you scan slower. i’m sweaty and i am getting scared
No my carpet doesn’t match my drapes cause I don’t have carpet , Duh….
Stop asking “What ELSE could go wrong?” The universe doesn’t understand that it’s a rhetorical question.
wife: our daughter jumped off the roof?!?!?
me: she thought she could fly
wife: did you yell at her?
me: of course! I screamed “FLAP HARDER” but she didn’t listen
My iPhone won’t even recognize my fingerprint unless it’s got crumbs on it.
Just made eye contact with my hot neighbor through the window
Wish I didn’t have 6 marshmallows in my mouth.
My husband is helping me relax this morning by making the kids lunches. He’s asked me 57 times what goes in each lunchbox, and still hasn’t found the bread yet.
looks like stacy’s mom has got some competition
The packing insert from our robot vacuum looks like it should be guarding a temple somewhere.
Spice up your meltdown through interpretive dance.
Cashier: Your total is $2,334.00.
Me: Can you take off the avocado?
Cashier: Okay, that will be $2.00.
told someone “my scrubs are made from cotton but i’m made of boyfriend material” then they blocked me immediately
Can’t wait until my wife hears that someone tried to throw a wood-mounted singing largemouth bass in the garbage because it ran out of batteries
90% of parenting, is saying different variations of “We don’t eat waffles with our feet”.
It’s the same old story. Boy meets girl. Girl doesn’t exist.
I sure talked a lot of shit about my mom’s bathrobe for someone who now wears one around the house like Snape storming through Hogwarts
Do people who eat sushi and sashimi know that fire was discovered?
CNN: The alien invasion has begun
British person: I’ll put the kettle on