The perfect introvert’s party cake doesn’t exis…
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Relatives – Because sometimes you need reminding of your bad genes too
i wear a mask when i sleep, because who knows who’s going to come into an Arby’s bathroom this close to the highway
[ugly sweater contest]
*starts sweating*
*takes home the gold*
[meets someone on the internet a day younger than me] my child go and live
You never feel as old as when you’re scrolling down to find your birth year
*watches The Matrix and just gets increasingly annoyed at how unrealistic it is for Trinity and Neo to wear sunglasses inside*
I trick people that I know Spanish by quoting fragments of Spanish songs I know, la bamba.
*Pushing the unlock button on my car key as I approach the front door to my house
Nah, I ain’t distracted.
Guac just sounds like someone died before they could say the whole word.
*Invents silent snack packages. *Becomes president of the United States.
ur the human equivalent of having a hair in ur mouth
me: [throws bouquet]
florist: are you gonna buy something
[looking down from heaven]
darwin: 5 bucks on ladder guy
angel: i’ll take the one on the ground
darwin: 10 if it’s both
angel: you’re on
when interviewing a person for a dog walking position, you must make absolutely certain that given the chance, the applicant won’t eat a dog
I saw my lawyer at the grocery store but I didn’t speak to him because I didn’t have $300 on me.
I wrote out SOS with M&M’s
Five minutes later
I wrote out SO with peanut M&M’s
We took the animals for a walk and saw a sign: ‘Dogging area, please control your animal and pick up their faces…’
FINE!!
So I misread the ad
Apparently, The Cartel doesn’t NEED a drug snuggler
PSA: Calories don’t count today because February 29 doesn’t really exist.
Who do you reach for in the middle of the night?
me, thinkng about the bottle of tums on my nightstand: definitely you babe
Sex is a lot like Mario Kart, you go really fast, you throw some bananas, Wario is there.
My 3yo just reminded ME to wash my hands after we got home so if anything good were to come out of this pandemic it’s that we’re raising a less gross genera- ope never mind he just ate a booger
Me: When I am elected President, I am going to gaslight everybody
(gets elected)
Me: I never said that.
“Welcome to the future. Let me show you around. Here’s the bathroom. This is a robot that we invented that screams at your wet hands.”
Instead of saying you lost your eyesight due to an explosion while you were making meth, just tell people that you were blinded by science.
My husband and I love to play “who can pile the most into the trash can without taking it out” and I can assure there are no winners her. Just cursing, garbage covered losers
Kids these days think Christmas is all about getting presents instead of celebrating the birth of Santa Claus.
I put the hot in psychotic.
Went to the Planetarium to do some stargazing but I didn’t see one celebrity. Rip-off!
I don’t understand baby oil what are we greasin up all those babies for