Based on how poorly this burrito was wrapped, I assume it was made by the one person at Taco Bell that has never rolled a blunt.
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I don’t want to be with someone who will finish my sentences. I want to be with someone who will finish the dishes.
*lets out a blood curdling scream* HELP MY BLOOD IS CURDLING
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [looking at menu] what page are u on
19: ‘Um, is it weird that the milk just backed away when I reached for it?’
Me: ‘It’s fine.’
wife: What do you want for dinner?
me: What do you want me to want?
Toh the desire to sin is so great 😜😂😄🤣🤷😜
Opposing counsel licks his thumb every time he turns a page in his file and basically I didn’t even know this rage inside me existed.
Walmart keeps two elderly people on staff at all times: one to greet you, and one to walk slowly in front of you on the way out.
Is that a banana in your pocket because to be honest my potassium is really low and
2022: I can fix it
me: *making sandcastles with my sister*
my mom: *takes away the urn*
Ultimately, I’m not sure what marriage signifies, if anything. Legally I guess it means something, for wills or whatever. But “spiritually?” It’s just some words, a ritual, no more or less sacred than a high five after a touchdown. But I digress. You may now kiss the bride.
‘THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!’
~me, parenting teens
This other mom was complaining about being so sick that her MIL took the kids for a few days.
KID FREE for DAYS!
So I licked her face.
Snow White is baking a pie with squirrels and chipmunks and there’s not one turd anywhere.
Not one.
GIRL: l’m tired of bad boys and their bs. I want a good boy, for a change.
ME [clearly a golden retriever]: *turns to camera and winks*
The one night I drag the lawn chair into the yard, I see a neighbor I haven’t seen in 3 years and she has a shovel. Is this how it all ends?
Common crooks Rob banks. Classy thieves Robert banks.
ME: I wish I had a TV camera I can look at in opportune moments
GENIE: um ok
ME: I wish everyone was gullible
GENIE: Done
ME: And I wish for updog
GENIE: What’s updog?
ME: *looks at camera*
Got a new mouse! Cut his tail off by mistake! 🙄
Got one kid down for a nap, and another woke up. It was like whack a mole nap style.
ME: What do you want for our anniversary?
WIFE: Oh I saw this cute little alligator brooch
ME: Ok
WIFE: You’re not going to write it down
ME: Nah, I’ll remember
[later]
WIFE {opening package}: Crocs?
I almost choken on food and the whole time it was happening I was just thinking “What a cliche way for a fat person to die of”
*First Passover*
The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS
My 5 year old is looking all over the house for his drumsticks but he won’t have any luck finding them without a shovel.
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
host: welcome to Are You Faster Than a 5th Grader.
me: faster?
Braden: [has a chainsaw]
Date: Want to go back to my place and get naughty?
Me: Nice try, Santa.
i love reading online product reviews because there will be 8,000 that say “this blender is amazing, highly recommended” and one that will be like “garbage, do not buy, i tried to blend concrete and a crowbar and the thing broke immediately”
“You will feel a little pressure but no pain…”
~Doctors or dentists about to hurt you bad