Me: Man I’m never going to find the one
Friend: You will, dude
Me: [browsing Netflix] There’s just too many options
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Eggnog is perfect for when you feel like drinking a glass of pancake batter.
So after 75 long days, this week is finally over
do you like my signals
I mixed them myself
My son just said “I’m sorry I can’t be cute right now, I’m hungry” and I’ve never understood him better.
I gotta take better care of myself. Today at the park a guy asked me if I would pretend to be his son from the future to scare him into eating right.
I would never yell at my kids. In public. Without a good reason. More than three times in a row. Per child.
What’s the optimum number of puppets for a job interview? I know it’s not seven
I like microwaves that spin the food around because I’m all, oh yeah, hot pocket, looking good, girl, from the front AND the back uh huh.
If by “social butterfly” you mean I will take off when you come near me, then yep.
Everyone who lined up 30 minutes early to board the plane is gonna be so mad when we all land at the same time.
detective: what happened?
librarian: a guy stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
detective: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
DOG: she keeps using heart emojis when we text
DOG FRIEND: which color heart?
DOG: *shows friend phone* the gray one
DOG FRIEND: omg
Coaching softball is wild because you get to call timeouts to teach valuable life lessons or sometimes just because your pitcher lost her tooth and she needs you to hold it for the Tooth Fairy.
I just saw a woman walk out of the pizza place with 8 large pizzas. Stay with me I’m gonna live stream my proposal..
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a physiologist.
Me: Amazing! I love carbonated beverages. The fizzier the better!
ME: how about a horn solo
DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: that’s not how this works
I want my morning coffee to give the same amount of energy that my kids get when they hear me say it’s bedtime.
HER: It’s a gender reveal party.
ME: To tell the sex of the baby.
HER: You have to stop calling it a sex party.
When your girlfriend says “I love you” reply with “I love you more!” Because relationships are competitions that must be won.
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 to frown, how do we tell if someone’s happy and not just lazy?
I’ve kissed so many frogs trying to find a prince that I’ve actually discovered several new species.
Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.
Undertaker: “What do you want your husbands gravestone to say?”
Wife: “Nothing. I want a traditional, non-talking one.”
My life is a lot like taking a road trip with kids, but it’s just me pestering the universe with:
“Am I there yet?”
“I want snacks”
“WHEN WILL WE GET THERE?!?”
“I have to pee again”
Sorry I’m late, my toddler declared independence.
*watching John Wick*
Ugh, 222 stairs would be difficult enough without fifty guys trying to kill me
Waiter: Can I get you a drink and would you like an appetizer?
Me: Woah! What’s with all the questions?
My wife and I announce when we’re going to the bathroom, but it’s more a way of saying, “I’m not watching the kids, so if they die in the next 4 minutes it’s all your fault.”
Wish I was as brave as my kid who just ate zero bites of her dinner and then asked for a snack 6 minutes after the table was clear.
Props to anyone who tries to be fashionable in ireland i wore a red beret once in waterford and someone called me super mario