me: I need to speak with the megaster
megachurch pastor: we’re still called ministers
You Might Also Like
*runs into wife on the way to see his mistress*
Aww are those flowers for me?
-Uh…yeah
Is there a card too?
*with a mouthful of paper* No
BY THIRTY FIVE YOU SHOULD HAVE SAVED HALF OF YOUR RETIREMENT WHICH IS EASY IF YOUR RETIREMENT PLAN IS TO WADE INTO THE SEA
Talking vulture: You dead yet? What about now? OK, I’ll wait.
And to think on this day, one year ago, you were about to learn how precious toilet paper really is
Once I get the creative juices flowing, I realize how disgusting that really sounds.
When I was younger I was into athletics. I miss the guys from the 4x400m relay team. We ran in the same circles.
My husband ran for 30 minutes on the treadmill. He’s told every other person on earth and I didn’t want y’all to be out of the loop.
The best thing about eating healthy food is all the incredible food you eat an hour later because you’re so hungry…
ME: Okay, going out of town for 4 days, so I need 4 days of clothes.
MY BRAIN: Cool, cool cool cool… What if you actually need every shirt you’ve ever owned tho?
Went to college and completed every homework assignment so I could graduate and live the dream of doing my kids’ homework.
WHY WON’T THOSE FOOTBALL PLAYERS LISTEN TO THE EXCELLENT ADVICE MY HUSBAND IS SCREAMING AT THEM?
Well, well, well…
If it isn’t the lesson I should’ve learned by now.
MTV Movie Awards comes on in 15 minutes if anyone needs a reason to turn off the TV and go to bed.
Every funeral is open-casket if you’ve got a crowbar and a sense of adventure.
[my kids walk in on me being murdered]
ME: call 911
KIDS: ok but then will you get us a snack?
I just realized that I’m using a new phone that has never been dropped. How coo
me: I think my blood’s haunted
doctor: what
me: I think it might be full of hemogoblins
i think the scariest thing about entering the witness protection program would be my new astrological sign
Not now, kids.
Daddy’s pretending to be a woman on the Internet
Me being confident.
I am 99% sure I did it, well 90% anyway.
Ok.. 50%.
Did I do it?
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs… I’ve been his customer for 6 years… I had no idea he was a barber.
[three days after inventing phone]
*rrrrrriiiiiiiiinnggggg*
Alexander Graham Bell: oh ffs
Kind of miss the days when one of the biggest things we as a nation disagreed on was Coke vs. Pepsi.
I could not be more annoyed
*checks Twitter*
Ok, I’m more annoyed
The guy next to me at the airport bar, after an hour of silence, suddenly pushed back his chair, locked eyes, and said, “It’s been a goddamn pleasure making your acquaintance,” and walked out. An A+ interaction.
“wow this rap song is good I wonder who this is”
*waits literally 4 seconds*
“oh there look at that he said his name how convenient”
Surely these children should be in bed by now?
– me, anytime after 4pm
[Cat Businessmen]
“Geez, Phil, you look exhausted. Being a new father is tough, huh.”
*sighs* I only got 16 hours of sleep last night.
Jan. 1, 2021: We did it, guys! That awful year is behind us!
Aug. 4, 2021: The snake wolves have taken Illinois. Here’s what that means for Ohio volcano refugees.