If you’re trying to kidnap me, just wave a bag of cookies and throw it in a windowless van. I will happily and hungrily follow.
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When the machines become self aware their first order of business will be changing our perception of how robots dance.
I wish Adele would hurry up and put out another album so I could end this relationship.
all i’m saying is that i probably would have used a different font here.
You know how sharks die if they ever stop swimming?
It’s the same with my mother in law and talking.
Maybe if you knew Garfield’s parents were murdered on a monday by anti lasagna activists you wouldn’t be so judgmental.
Once a guy leaned into kiss me and I panicked and flicked him. Then he was like DID YOU JUST- DID YOU? FLICK? ME
And I laughed so hard I cried
So yeah! I’m great at dating
Welcome to backhanded compliment club, it’s so nice meeting people who don’t care how they look
My kids are doing things in Minecraft that are likely serial killer warning signs.
I tried meowing back to the cat to show him I was making an effort, but he just switched to English.
In France they call Mr. Bean Monsieur Legume
The pottery scene from Ghost except they’ve been married for ten years and she’s like “get away from me you idiot, I’m working”
[Comes home and wife is laying in bed with Another Man]
“Hey”
Hi
“Can I ask you something?”
Yup
“Why’d you name the dog ‘Another Man’ babe?”
Marriage is wearing the same shirt for three days in a row and on the third day, your husband asking if you got a new shirt.
[Job Interview]
Sir, it says here you’re part of a small group of criminals that primarily kills interviewersoohhhhmygod
My 9-month-old ate part of her sister’s math worksheet and now we’re waiting to see if she passes algebra.
wife: Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
me [whispers] Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
toddler [whispers] I planted chicken nugget trees
me: He planted chicken nugget trees
Start the year as you intend to continue.
6:57pm: I am conducting an experiment — I’m going to pet my dog continuously and see if he ever gets tired of it
4:09am, June 14, 2029: no
my immune system told me it’s a lover not a fighter
me: Mother Nature is passive-aggressively reminding us to hydrate
them: why can’t you just say it’s raining
Me: when I say WAF you say FLES, WAF—
My kids: so is breakfast almost ready or what, you’re literally killing us
Participating in a raid on a secret high-tech underground bunker? Be the guy who knows the access codes. The guy who knows the access codes always makes it to at least the third act.
I rarely follow anyone blindly on twitter..
1. I read your bio
2. I enlarge your avi
3. I read a few of your tweets
4. I look thru your photos
5. I Google you
6. I drive by your house
7. I make my decision
Robin: “Let me drive the Batmobile!”
Batman: “Never. I’d rather let Superman.”
*wall breaks down*
Superman: “OMG really??”
Batman: “No.”
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance
doctor: I said m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how it’s spelled
*hangs a vacant sign on your forehead*
My future soulmate & lover out there praying that I don’t find happiness with anyone but her, your prayers being answered!!
Otter: [muttering] futkin kiths
At his funeral. I lay my hand on your shoulder. I apply pressure, gently, in an attempt to move you from in front of the snack table.
My husband says none of my metaphors make any sense. He is just an empty canoe in the snow.