i remember as a kid being like “Wow as an adult i’ll be able to buy as much candy as i want whenever i want” which turned out to be completely true and as amazing as i imagined
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when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
One of the best things about the internet is that it’s very easy to claim credit for things you had no part in. It’s one of the reasons I invented it
HER: I’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME:
HER:
ME: did the dog put you up to this
“Does this hurt?”
“YES!”
“What about this?”
“OW!”
*Dr. writes notes*
“Patient shows symptoms of pain when stabbed with knife. Keep updates.”
Who called it “falling in love” and not “assisted suicide”?
“I JUST WANT TO PUT A BABY IN YOU!”
-me, trying to put a crib together
Truthfully, I’m hungover. But if anyone asks, this is a yoga position.
Elderly woman at bus stop just said my son was “beautiful.” UM STEP OFF PERVERT UR LIKE 40x HIS AGE cc: @LAPD
DATING TIP: Be a gentleman. Hold her door. Hold her hand. Hold her purse. Hold her for ransom. Demand a chopper. Fly away. Start a new life.
This is a wasp nest that has grown around the flood lights on a garage and yes you will see it in your nightmares tonight
“Son, we have to talk.”
“What is it, Dad?”
“You were adopted.”
“Oh my god… Really?!?”
“Yup. Get ready. They’re picking you up in an hour.”
My house has been so messy lately, I’m making myself watch Hoarders to motivate me to clean it so I don’t end up starring in an episode.
could a mosquito drink blood out of a cup or something or are they legally required to capri sun my legs all summer
“wYd oN vAleNtiNes dAy”
Going to work bro it’s Wednesday
When traveling abroad it’s good to learn basic language. “I’d like a beer.” “Where’s the bathroom?” “I need a taxi.” “Just not in my hair.”
*going through airport security*
My brain: what if you’re secretly a drug dealer? What if you packed a gun you don’t own? Are you absolutely sure you didn’t accidentally fill your pockets with explosives?
If you’re not part of the solution, you must be on Twitter
The goldfish was a little sick so I dripped some steroids in her bowl and now everything is hunky dory.
Aliens: “Take us to your leader.”
Me: “I would wait.”
“It’s gonna taste really good.” – excerpt from the guide What To Expect When You’re Expecting Pizza
ME: Here’s your Mickey Mouse pancake
HER: This isn’t Mickey Mouse shaped
ME: I suppose you’d think banana pancakes should be banana shaped
Since it’s hunting season, we are allowed to shoot the cars with the antlers on them, right?
I heard many of these stories growing up…. 😂😂😂
Even the worst hangover wears off by 5:00. Coincidence? I think not.
“love means never having to say you’re sorry”
“that is not what love means”
“sorry”
added child seasoning to the list instead of chili, so that changes up next week’s menu.
I’m trying to explain to my mother how to get pictures off her phone, while we’re on the phone, and everything is awful.
Her: I’m leaving you and going to my mothers.
Me: Hold on and I’ll come with you. I like to have a good meal for a change…
My husband doesn’t find it nearly as amusing as I do, when I read all your tweets out loud to him. For 2 hours.
Douche.
[13th century]
[my messenger pigeon flys in carrying a note]
me: oh hell ya she replied [i open the note and it says “read 7:49 pm”] god damnit