In a parallel universe, a zebra is walking around her contemporary decorated house, on top of a skinned blonde chick with big hoops rug.
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Our family rule is that if the kid’s costume costs more than $50, they have to wear it to school at least four times after Halloween.
(Halloween Costume Shop)
ME: *leaving after not finding anything*
CASHIER: *pointing to my face* Those masks aren’t free, buddy.
Unless someone tries to take a kneecap out with a crowbar, I have no interest in watching the Olympics.
instead of meal prepping on sundays, have u considered taking an impromptu and cost ineffective trip to the grocery store every single day of the week?
Dental hygienist: Whew! You’re all done with your cleaning. That took a bit longer than I expected.
Me: *maintains eye contact while biting into Oreo* Thanks.
Me: oh yeah, obviously I want to keep it casual, too
Also me, a year after it ends: *crying to a David Gray song in my car*
When I get my tax refund I’m gonna mess around and buy the whole 18 pack of eggs.
Who the hell named it a ” Crop-Top ” and not a ” T-short “?
My therapist keeps telling me to stop comparing myself to other people—that life’s not a competition.
Which, to be fair, is exactly what I’d say to someone I was trying to beat, too.
I love greens, but not in a sexual way
Platonic salads, so to speak
ME: [leaning over toilet] Hold back my hair
YOU: Ok
ME: [drinks from toilet like dog]
YOU: You’ve made your point I’ll wash up some glasses
At a skatepark, older dude outside the fence sees me and yells (heckles) “do a kickflip!”
So I did one.
He then turns to his friend and says: “holy sh!t, he actually did it”
Mobile app developers: great, now all we need is something for them to do in between the adverts.
My Boyfriend: Why are you so dramatic?
Me: (Getting eaten by a lion)
Almost fell down the stairs. Will try again tomorrow.
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: yes that’s when i didn’t have a job
Date: i love cats
Me: [trying to impress] *slowly pushes her plate off the table*
6 year old: Hey mommy, did you know you can go to jail for making copies??
Me: copies of what?
6 year old: money
– kidsplaining counterfeiting
“I’m so sorry”, I go around whispering to people who’ve just woken up from a coma.
[Ouija board]
O spirits, let me talk to m-
C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I
*squints*
What the heck?
A 3G board?
“Girl, same.”
– Midwife, handing a mother the second of her newborn identical twins.
It’s called an orgasHIM not an orgasHER
Using magic to hide the Hogwart’s train was also platform manipulation, where tf Dumbledore’s suspension
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m foolish with money
“He used our life savings to buy a tiger”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A CAT, KAREN
if ur dad didn’t want to be more than friends then why did he get me that delicious glass of water
Ladies, have you gone shopping lately? Where are the other halves of the shirts and pyjamas?
They’re all made for Winnie the Pooh. Oh bother, my ab gets cold.
Lion: *eating me*
Me: *twirling hair* so, like, what are we?
People keep telling me to go burn in hell like there’s something else to do there.
To avoid the awkward 5 minutes, lean over and give the cashier butterfly kisses while waiting for your 500 foot CVS receipt.
A Citizen’s Arrest for the next person who asks me if I’m ready for Christmas.