someone tried formatting these windows in a Word doc
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🏙👨🏼
FAMILY MEETING!
And, just like that, dad had the whole house to himself…
you got a fast car
I got a plan to jump in front of it
when someone corrects my pronunciation of a word, my brain immediately snaps to how many polite people just nodded and let me sound dumb before
My dog wakes up at 4:30 every morning so he can take a nap by 6.
“Draw me like one of your Trash girls”
Why do people always ask me how my day off was? I’m a parent, my harshest boss is 3ft tall and lives in my house
The greeter at my local Walmart is terrible at karate
Stop pissing me off or I’ll marry you
[strangers in goat masks dance around a bonfire as I’m being tied to a wooden stake] It’s getting pretty late guys, I should probably head out
There are 400 billion stars in our galaxy and perhaps two trillion galaxies in total, and I just wonder if Miss Universe fully understands her achievement.
Him: Your body is like poetry
Me: That’s so nice!
H: A haiku
M:..
H: Little on the top, big in the middle, little on the bottom
M: Just stop
I only tell jokes so someone will explain them to me.
me: Can you swing by Taco Bell?
guy driving the ambulance:
My sister’s fiance is visiting from England on Friday, i thought I’d surprise him so I’ve been driving on the wrong side of the road
me *brings toddler his popsicle* What do you say?
toddler: Finally
“I’m sorry I named my daughter ‘Paige.’ It seemed funny at the time.”
– a confession of Nat Turner
[gets down on 1 knee]
Babe will you–
“Yeah… Here it is”
[she lends me her phone charger]
Thanks
[typing]
Me: Is it DISCREET or DISCRETE?
Wife: 2nd.
Me: Is “polyamorous” hyphenated?
Wife: No. Why?
Me: It’s for work. When’s your flight?
Accidentally bought “wakeup” shampoo with caffeine and menthol and I’m furious at how peppy I am right now
Reporter: so what is it like being in Maroon 5 when you’re not Adam Levine, um Mr. Uh-
*quickly googles for his name but google has no idea*
Mouthwash is too spicy!
*waters it down with Mayonnaise*
Wrote a manifesto using Google Translate so if I ever murder someone I can plead insanity.
*reading law book* oh no I think I’m in a common law marriage with Taco Bell
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
My first son he is wonderful
I hate it when baby boomers are like “your generation is too sensitive!”. Like ok, Gail, I’m not the one writing 8 paragraph Yelp reviews because the restaurant was painted a color you didn’t like.
Me: (Sneezes)
Microchip in my left arm: Bless you
Telling someone “You are not alone” can be either extremely comforting or absolutely creepy depending on the context.
PRIEST: are you a catholic?
ME: I have four, but I wouldn’t say I’m addicted