“I might pop down later” – Translation: You’ve more chance of seeing a dancing hippo than you have of seeing me later
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Australia is touted as a great model of gun control but no one mentions our unlimited access to boomerangs.
Hot pies in your area want you to snatch them off the windowsill
The DaVinci Code but it’s just me trying to unlock the secret to why there are so many crumbs in my toddler’s bed
Something crazy about Hollywood’s silent film age is that a guy will be driving a train off a cliff while being attacked by lions and you’ll think “Wow, how’d they do that effect!” then you look it up and they literally had lions attack a guy while he drove a train off a cliff
I took 2 inches off my daughter’s Rapunzel length hair before heading to overnight camp and you’d think I just shaved her head for the army.
Me: Can I get a 12 inch sub?
Naval officer: They’re usually a lot bigger
I believe it is important to be an organ donor, which is why I am willing to donate my second chin to anyone missing a chin.
I wonder who pays the electric bill for the light at the end of the tunnel.
WIFE:The pinata is in the tree out back
ME:Huh? I sent the kids to the one in front
W:What one in front?
*angry bees are just everywhere*
How many court cases have been thrown out because the judge needs a unanimous decision & the jury is made up entirely of dentists
DON’T STOP BELIEVING!
…..but feel free to be somewhat skeptical from time-to-time
My acting career began at a very early age, when my mom asked who broke the vase in the hallway.
[Guy sees octopus doing squats at the gym on 4 legs]
“You doing legs today?”Octopus: Yeah my fourarms hurt.
I had a dream I was making out with someone with really bad breath.
Judging by the look on my dog’s face, I’d say we had the same dream.
Did it again.
Ticked the wrong box in an online survey and I’m now officially in the Sugababes
Coworker: how was your thanksgiving?
Me: ……….. I assume you want me to hear about yours?
Ghost Hunting Camera: *shows me standing unnaturally still for 2 hours*
Me: *deep breath and picks up phone* Hi! I’d like to place order me a pizza? SHIT *click*
*reading law book* oh no I think I’m in a common law marriage with Taco Bell
I used to wave my hands in the air like I just don’t care, but now I just wave them because I get more steps on my FitBit
Alternate reality. 🤣🤣🤣
Me: I’m sort of a chicken magnet
Him: Don’t you mean chick magn-
*sounds of distant bawk-bawking*
Me: We have to go NOW
*gets out of bed*
*steps on something*
me: Ugh
*turns light on*
wife: What is it?
me: The cat caught another smart car
ME: my wife and i are having a baby!
FRIEND: wow, that’s amazing! congratulations! sex?
ME: yes, that’s how we made the baby…
A nicer way to tell someone their breath stinks is to say “I’m bored, let’s go brush your teeth!”
A pregnant lady, except it’s me smuggling king sized candy into the movies for 6 kids and saving $278.
Do you hold your breath when people on TV are underwater or are you normal?
my boss just walked in on me ripping a piece of paper in half with the word “Boss” written on it
dora: jeez we’re really lost
boots: dora i’m freezing
backpack: we need a fire
the map: what should we use to start it?
dora:
boots:
backpack:
the map: oh no
dora: *holding a lighter* this IS all your fault
If I could time-travel, forget killing baby Hitler. I’d go back to use every come back I ever thought of 10 minutes too late.
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.